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Even though I'm surrounded by people and I'm enjoying myself, I still feel lonely and sad. I don't enjoy being alive and I feel like a husk of what I could be.
I've always felt this way, but I wake up each time I lose someone I love more than anything. Someone I dedicate my life to amd it somehow still isn't enough. Since I've given my heart away to people who just shattered it over and over, I'm a deeply troubled person.
Every night it's a battle to go to sleep, because I don't have someone to take care of me and make me feel better from all the people who hurt me and made me this way. I want vengeance on them for doing this to me, but I can't do anything about it.
So many people have harmed me both physically and emotionally, and all I ever want is someone who can help me heal from all of that. Someone I can dedicate my life to and feel appreciated and loved.
It hurts being alone, being treated this way over and over with only false hope to look up to.
#loneliness #suicidal #existentialism #sadness #pessimism #abuse
I've been in deep depression for...well, it's been so long I forget. My family has now began to put it aside and I'm starting to be the neglected forgotten child in the house. My sister's kid has started to take my place. My father and I rarely talk anymore. Just the other day he refused to look at me once. The desire to just kill myself gets stronger every day. The pain of self harm starts to feel calming now. The pray that when I fall sleep, I never wake up. I keep a tab open of fastest ways to kill myself. I hate the fact I have to deal with this reality. I just want it to end....so bad. I've hurt myself to many times and no one has cared anymore. I've written so many suicide notes. I'm broken.
I am in my 40s divorced 3 kids. I just started shooting meth. when I shoot meth I Immediately turn into a sexual deviant. I had the same problem when doing coke, I swallow and love it when high
I beat my girlfriend more than a few times. She didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry for any unhappiness or feelings that it may have caused her.
I was abused by a man in the cinema when I was 12 and I actively cooperated. This man came and sat beside me in this almost empty cinemea which I thought odd. Then I felt somoene stroking my bare leg very softly. I was frozen at frst but it began to feel pleasant and as the hand moved further up it felts more pleasant. when He ran hs hand up my shorts leg and touched my pants I was quite excited and he felt my cock through my pants which was driving me wild. By then he had me so sexed up that I raised my ass of the seat undid my shorts and slippe shorts and pants down to give him clear acess to my little dick and spread my legs as wide as I could. He was very good slow and gentle not hard and quick the way my friends did me, I was more sexed up than I had been before how I kept silent I do not know as I came to a shattering orgasm. I was 12 and prepubescent fortunately othere wise there would have been a big mess. The guy gave a litte laugh and got up and left leaving me shaking with my pants round my ankles and my legs spread.
I have never in my life, wanted to kill myself more than right now. I know it sounds crazy but I cannot take my parents anymore. I cry every single time in the shower and I try to put on a strong face at school. But no one knows what really is inside of me. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe it’s them. But sometimes you just can’t stand it anymore. I have tried to do everything to please myself and them. After years of getting hit, getting pushed around, verbally abuse, and so many more emotional scars on me, I have now turned… suicidal. It seems like a better place than this hell hole. If I sound selfish and unappreciative, well, I’m sorry. But… if I have to keep living like this, I rather choose a place where I am not living anymore. There may be no physical evidence of what my parents did to me, but inside, it is years of ripped, raw emotions that have been finally triggered. I know that one day, possibly this year, my mom and I will have an argument that we will say something that we could NEVER go back from. If that day comes, I would like to keep this doc as me already predicting this. I just wish the best for them if I do leave this Earth like this. I have an ocean of bottled up emotions that has been building and building for the last few years. I can’t say anything and so instead, my eyes show the signs. I looked at my razor yesterday and wondered what it would be like to cut myself. My rational side yelled and pleaded with me to not do it, but my heart said to do it…. And I just couldn’t. People say that cutting yourself may help you find control of the one thing you have. Yourself. But I just couldn’t. I figured later, right now, that I would rather just stick a freaking knife into my chest and be done for. That sounds much quicker than bleeding out. I’ve read too many romance stories and been around too much success stories. I want to become a female version of a powerful CEO, but also an Oscar-winning producer at the same time. But life never goes my way. You have to try and achieve it. I had it all planned out. I was going to go to Harvard and graduate, marry my high school sweetheart and have a boy and a girl. But life is also unfair. It never told me how I would get screamed at for one bad test grade, but an A overall. It never told me that I would get hit for saying something out of context. Maybe that is how life works. But when it gets too much, you want it to be over. And so, I hope that when this comes out, I want all parents that have hit their children for a bad grade, a remark, a bad habit, to rethink your choices. You have no idea what you are putting us through. Years and years and YEARS of abuse, and it is not just physical. What goes underneath hurts more than 100 physical scars and some may never heal.
It started when I was 14, I was being bullied, and abused by my boyfriend, and not knowing who to turn to, or how to even explain what people were doing to me, I looked for a release. I found it in self-harming. For months no one knew what I was doing, then my boyfriend caught me. He began to abuse me even further. It progressed from one time a week, to every day, to 2-3 times a day. This went on for nearly 8 months when my boyfriend then committed suicide.
I took it for the worse and tried to OD. I got help but 2 months later I relapsed, then another 4 months after than I did again. This went on until I met my now boyfriend. To this day, two years later I still self-harm when I breakdown. But for now I have been 3 months free.
So.. where to start. I went through internet abusive relationship for almost two years. The content is serious. And I'm still struggling i need someone to talk about it and get it off my chest.
#anger #abuse #confession
My father use to be a pastor, and then he killed someone.
He was always really violent when he got angry, and it was hard to control him after that. He wasn't entirely abusive, but when he was mad, boy, was he a monster.
It didn't come to me as a surprise when I came home one day from school and the house was surrounded with people and police.
Dad apparently killed someone who accused him of lying about something. I was only 8, so I never really understood what exactly happened, and I never tried to even as I grew up.
My mom acted like it never happened, maybe it was her way of protecting me and my little brother.
She remarried 3 years later, but I hated her new husband and his daughter like crazy. They just drove me insane. I was really jealous because they seemed like the perfect family, and truth be told, his daughter was a total bitch.
I just started googling what I could do to get rid of them. There was divorce, lie about him raping me, and murder. No way in hell was I going to jail, though.
Luckily for me, they both loved to eat apples.
Everyday I would dig the trash out for the cores they threw out and collected the seeds.
I'd mash them up and flavour the mix, then sprinkle it on whatever they had to eat for the day.
When my stepfather died, the autopsy said they died of intoxication via apple seeds.
Everyone assumed it was because they ate too much apples, little did they know..
I kind of regret it now, but I eventualy found out my stepdad was cheating on my mother and was a bit abusive to her emotionally.
I guess I did a good job.
I'm transgender and I was raised my my transphobic grandmother. She means everything to me, she always protected me from my abusive parents and she has never shown me anything but love my entire life. But I can't be honest with her about who I am because she would hate me and I don't know if I could deal with that. She always tells me I'm the only one who really cares about her (my parents are cruel and she doesn't have any living relatives) and that she's so glad to have me. I don't want to just abandon her when I can finally leave home but I dont know if I could handle the heartbreak of her hating me.
I was grown up in a very bad neighborhood where girls were seen as sex objects. When I was 13 I touched a girl wrongly in my school. I touched my best friend's sister wrongly. I touched a girl in my neighborhood wrongly. All during my teenage. I even said sorry to my friend's sister that "I am ashamed of what I tried to do and please forgive me" she forgave me but I still feel that I did something really bad. Please people I understand today what it means and I am ashamed of what I did, but it was all because of my innocence. I knew I was doing something wrong but I didn't knew it's so wrong.
My first day of kindergarten, my teacher Mr.Joel says "Alright we are going on a field trip to the national park ,so I need a girls to board the bus first then boys!"
I wasn't paying attention and I got on the bus first. Mr Joel approached me and sarcastically ask."Excuse me Gregory, are you a girl or boy? "I don't know I said". That moment , that question confused the fuck out of me for the rest of my life. I mean i have a penis but I don't like to look at it because it looks icky. My mom was shitting on the toilet and I was standing in the doorway naked when I was 3 years old telling her I pooped my diaper and all she said was ah fuck not again just like fucking father and she slammed the door and my penis got caught in between it. I screamed and my neighbors took me to the hospital because my mother refused to drive drunk and high. The doctors put ice on it and sent me home. But by the time we got home my mom was asleep so my neighbors made me sleep when there son picaru was two years older the me. I didn't sleep Much that night cause picaru kept sticking Lego's and a hot wheels cars up my butthole and he would tie string around my injured penis and attach to a fishing rod and he would yank hard and reel it up until the line broke. Everytime I screamed he told his parents I was having bad dreams so his dad took off my clothes and laid me on his lap in the living room while we both watched the entire Andy Griffith show season one all night. He didn't molest me or assault me but he did kiss me on the lips a lot and call me 'judy Ann' and 'honey' a lot. Judy Ann was his dead wife's name.fucked up part is the when he drove me to the hospital he hit my dog spider and he promised he would check on him once we got back. I never saw spider again :(.
#death #assault #abandoned #injury #abuse #drugs #trauma #transgender
Some of you people are gross for wanting to sleep with blood relatives or parents and their children. Go get therapy. You are f- up in the head. There are 1001 people in the sea. Don’t disgrace and dishonor your family. It is wrong. Your soul will go to hell for it.
I was abused by my cousin at a young age of 6-8 years , he was in high-school . I didn't know it at the time. I thought it was our 'special and secret' game. I used to enjoy him fingering me. I would kiss him with all I had. I'm a pretty great kisser because of that.
I enjoyed coming home from school, dressing up in a short skirt and my green body top, you know, the ones that clip at your crotch, those ones. With nothing underneath. That is how he liked me. I would then trot off to his room, sit on the dresser and he would sit on the dresser chair and start touching me down there. Very slowly, very tenderly, very soft.... then his finger would slide in me and he would start kissing me at the same time. He was a horrible kisser, too much saliva. But it was our special 'game'. and i felt the need to make him happy and proud of me. This went on for two years until he moved out of our house. I never told until I was 19 and I discovered what abuse was..
A direct result of this is that i am a very sexual person. Constantly touching myself.... and until 2 years ago i always felt dirty afterward.. But i have now made peace.. I now masturbate and I feel okay with pleasing myself.
When I was younger I fostered two kittens and would do mean, mean things to them. Months later I would wonder why, and to this day I feel like crying when thinking about it. I don't know why I did it, but it was evil! I'm so sorry to those two kittens. They were adopted so I hope they're happy now.
All those hurtful things you did to me, changed me for the better. All the names you called me and the terrible things you said. It made me rise up and I became better than you. I’m the better person. And I won. You think you won because I walked away, but I walked away so it didn’t get worse. And. I don’t love you either. I can’t stand you. You’re a terrible man and you know it.
I remember these evil girls pushing me out of the shower room completely naked telling me "show your stuff" and locking the door behind me. Stood out there watching them laughing behind the window, while a crowd of boys gathered around saying "spread those cute thighs" for us. I remember there was no place to hide, got forced to stand there stark naked exhibiting myself. By the time those bitches let me back inside, I had exposed every inch of myself. I remember walking out with everyone outside looking at me and thinking the next day I would have to face them all in school. The teasing was so horrible I felt naked every day I went to school.
#abused #nude #humiliated
I was walking home from work night and I passed by my sister's house and heard her screaming at someone to stop so I quietly opened her door (which I have a key to btw) and saw her getting beat by her boyfriend, I then came behind him threw him on the ground and I started punching him he took out a pocket knife and stabbed my leg. My sister started to dial 911 but he punched her out and broke her phone. I took the knife out of my leg and slit his neck. I called 911 and they placed me in a holding cell. They told me they're gonna keep me here for 25 years unless someone pays my bail. Three days later my bail was paid I figured it was one of my friends but when I got home my sister was on my couch holding a welcome home sign. She hugged me and we invited family over and had a party.
#murder #protecting #sister #abuse #jail
I hate my father and my sister my father would tell both of us he would spank us if we got out if bed my sister did this several times and git nithing I did this once and got a belt he was also very abusive as a result I am a very hatful and angry person I am told I have issues j don't know what to do the smallest things make me lash out and scream once I even got my brother with a socket wrench
I found out that my friend's dad is a real asshole. All he does is rage on for no reason. He will be arrested.
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