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I don't really have a goal in life, I ve helped taking care of my family all my life, I feel that, when my mom and sick uncle are not longer around, the only thing left for me is make sure my niece and nephew are well taken care of and then kill my self
Anyone that’s posting on here, I love you and I hope everything works out. There’s always hope xx
My brother was about to shoot himself and I called the police on him to intervene. He doesn’t talk to me anymore, his guns was removed and he got issued a few fines. Lost his job. He hates me with everything he has and secretly I love it. I love that he hates me, that he feels this great emotion towards me because it means his still alive. All I want is for him to keep fighting and if his hatred for me keeps him alive then I hope he hates me forever. If I had a chance I wouldn’t change a thing. The pain of you hating me wouldn’t hold a candle to the pain of never being able to see you grow old. I love you my brother
#suicide #brother #confession #depression #scared #pain
I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure when but I can feel my death stalking me every second of the day. I had a stroke at a pretty young age a few years ago. I didn't have any physical residual problems but emotionally I'm fried. I have a constant feeling of dread that lives deep in my gut, something that seems to be stuck inside my esophagus. Sometimes I feel ok, but thoughts of how I'm going to die are never far from my mind. I really want it to end.
When I was moving to secondary school I had plenty of friends and was always the centre of attention but as soon as I moved to secondary I started to fade away like nobody notice me so at the time I thought it would be a great idea to fake my depression/suicidal thoughts to get attention I would post on social media about how I wanted to die and that nobody cared about me anymore. And it worked I was getting a lot of attention and I loved it until my childhood best friend who meant a lot to me went and told my parents I know she was only doing it to protect me but the only reason I stated doing this so she would give me more attention, I felt like shit my parents asked me why I was posting this stuff and I couldn’t tell them the real reason because I was to embarrassed and I thought they would hate me for it so I just told them that I was being bullied. I said that I was being picked on by 4 boys which I kinda was but it was only inside jokes they would call me 4 eyes and pick on me put we always saw it as a joke so I just blamed it on that, and it worked my parents told the school about the boys and they were punished and I felt so bad I actually thought about killing myself but after all this my parents took me out of school to home school me this was the worst point of my life.
My best friend slowly drifted from me I was losing all my friends and I had no one left, my parents put me into therapy (it didn’t work because there was nothing to work on). A whole year goes by of me being home schooled I’m trapped indoors most of the time because my parents won’t let me go out and I couldn’t use social media anymore so I had no way of contacting my best friend, at this point my mental state started deteriorating I was going insane until I finally snapped and ran away. I wasn’t gone for long as I had no where to go but the first place I went to was to go see my best friend she lived quite close to me so it wasn’t really a problem so I went to go see her but she didn’t want to see me I was confused until I talked to another close friend of mine and released that the whole school knew I was faking my depression for attention my heart sank because I knew that everybody would hate me now and I would lose everyone. After all this I went home and my parents were talking to the police because they were scared that I was gonna try kill myself, when I got inside the house my parents told me that they are sending me to hospital to be put on suicidal watch i didn’t want to go but I had to while I was there I saw my phone in my mothers bag and I grabbed it to try msg my best friend and explain things but when I logged into Instagram I saw hate groups mate for me saying that I should actually kill myself I felt awful but what made me hate myself even more is the fact that my best friend had blocked me and sent me a message saying that she wanted nothing to do with me my heart sank. I had lost everything I had nothing left I just wanted the pain that I caused to end so I stood up and ran to the canteen, the canteen didn’t have anything sharp in it other than the knifes they were not to sharp to stop people from killing themselves but I made it work I grabbed one and ran to the toilets I quickly locked the door some of the nurses noticed what i was doing and tried kicking down the door, I tried slitting my throught with the knife but it wouldn’t go deep enough and by the time I managed to make the knife sharp enough they had already broken down the door I was taken away from there and put into a mental hospital where I have stayed for 4 years I don’t know what my ex friends are up to now but all I know is they don’t care about me anymore no one does and it’s all my fault I only wanted my best friend to show me more attention because deep down I loved her but I was to afraid to tell her.
Sorry about the really bad English and grammar I haven’t really learned much seeing as most of my time as been spent in this hell hole my hour on the phone is nearly up so I got to go but if I was to give you a life lesson do not fake mental illness for attention it completely fucked up my life and I don’t think i will ever be able to reedem myself goodbye
And Izzy if your reading this I’m sorry I always loved you but I was to afraid to say it maybe in another life I wouldn’t be so selfish and just puck up the corage to ask you out.
#depression #bestfriend #love #suicidal #suicide #attention #fake
I told my ex boyfriend that I would commit suicide if he don't come back to me.
That was a lie of course. I love life too much as to through it away so easily.
I am with my boyfriend whose tried to kill himself three times, I love him but I also want to leave him because I feel like I'm trapped. But I know if I leave he will kill himself. I'm so scared but I don't know what else to do because I value his life and I love him.
I seriously want to commit suicide. I'm just done with life. The friends that I thought would never switch up on me, did. My dad, who is like my best friend isn't talking to me. Rumors about me at school are going around that it's making me not want to go school no more. I just can't, I been wishing for death since a little kid for being bullied over my skin color. I have a boyfriend, he knows about my suicidal past, but not the reason why. He always tells me things about my skin color and asked me if bothered me. I said no because I didn't want to seem so fragile. But it in reality it hits me so hard. I hate that the first thing that goes through a mind of a person when they meet me is my skin color. I absolutely hate it. I just don't think I can't do this anymore. If I didn't have a boyfriend, I would honestly already do it.. but I don't want to break his heart bc I know how much it would hurt him.
I attempted suicide during the pandemic I thought life could not get any better. I still have back problems.
I am sick of my high-stress job and am afraid to quit.
I fear not to find another well paying job.
This drives me to consider suicide!
I hope the current Corona Virus will push the world into absolute chaos. Then I can be myself!
I over think things. One wrong comment and my day is ruined. I suffer from depression and I have no idea why. Nobody bullys me or hurts me. But I hurt myself. I need help. I'm never anyone's first choice and nobody cares anyway. I also have social anxiety. I try to talk to people but end up having panic attacks. I'm always thinking of hurting myself in one way or another. Even suicide. Nobody notices how broken and alone I am. I'm surrounded by people but alone at the same time.
I have aspergers, therefore I'm awkward around everyone. All the time. Truthfully I'm just tired of every conversation. No ones ever gonna love me. Idk that I will see tomorrow.
Sometimes I write suicide notes and hide them in my room until I can leave them on my desk before I overdose on pills.
Every time I drive over a bridge. I just want to stop, walk over and jump and not be found.
End it now. Leave my worries behind.
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
#insanity #death #suicide #fear #addiction #abandonment #loss
I'm really insecure and I feel fucking pathetic about it. I have a toothgap, ugly freckles, am overweight, have a skin condition causing redness and bumps on my arms, am a closeted lesbian and Christian. My anxiety also makes me feel patheitic because I can't even stop shaking when I'm at the supermarket. I've never told anyone, but I'm suicidal but every time I've tried to go through with it, I can't finish the job. It makes me feel weak that I can't even go through with doing a fucking favour for myself. Suicide support pages always say to hold on to see if tomorrow is a better day but I'm so sick of waiting for a fucking saving grace that's never going to come.
I recently started having thoughts about killing myself because I feel like I bring such a big burden on my family. I want to do it because I dont wanna see them suffer anymore but I dont want to make them feel responsible for my death. I love them all so much and I would do anything just to give them the comfortable lives they deserve.
I shouldn't feel this way. I know that. I have no reason to. But I do. Whenever I'm with my 'friends' I feel like I'm not good enough. *Kylee is temperamental and hits me whenever I'm not good enough, like if I mock her, make a witty comment, or say or do anything the slightest bit offensive. *Sarah is just so frustrating. She doesn't know when is enough. *Tyler always- I don't even know what it is. He tries to get me angry, he just says things that get under my skin, and he never stops.
I'm going crazy. I can't even express what I'm feeling. My mind is a mess. But I'll tell you this: Every "I'm fine" or "Yeah, just tired" is a lie. Ever time I'm happy, I feel like I shouldn't be.
I hate that I have a wonderful life. I'm smart and athletic, and I always have things going on. I feel selfish for trying to die, even though I've tried before. But no one's noticed the cuts on my wrists. They're not deep, not lethal, but deep enough to scar, which is what I want. I want to live with proof that I'm stronger, because I've to hell and back enough times that I've started keeping count with cuts on my arm.
And I hate that I'm only 13.
I want to shoot myself in the fucking mouth. I can't do anything right and I'm not good enough for my girlfriend. I just want it all to end
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