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I shouldn't feel this way. I know that. I have no reason to. But I do. Whenever I'm with my 'friends' I feel like I'm not good enough. *Kylee is temperamental and hits me whenever I'm not good enough, like if I mock her, make a witty comment, or say or do anything the slightest bit offensive. *Sarah is just so frustrating. She doesn't know when is enough. *Tyler always- I don't even know what it is. He tries to get me angry, he just says things that get under my skin, and he never stops.
I'm going crazy. I can't even express what I'm feeling. My mind is a mess. But I'll tell you this: Every "I'm fine" or "Yeah, just tired" is a lie. Ever time I'm happy, I feel like I shouldn't be.
I hate that I have a wonderful life. I'm smart and athletic, and I always have things going on. I feel selfish for trying to die, even though I've tried before. But no one's noticed the cuts on my wrists. They're not deep, not lethal, but deep enough to scar, which is what I want. I want to live with proof that I'm stronger, because I've to hell and back enough times that I've started keeping count with cuts on my arm.
And I hate that I'm only 13.
To be honest, this has nothing to do with sex. I just wanted to get a message out and I knew most people usually go on this category. I've liked this guy for a little over a year now. We have a lot in common and we used to be really close because we were always having to sit next to each other in class. We had a band concert recently and I was really upset because this was the first concert I had where I wasn't sitting next to him. Later that week, I was hanging out with my friends when one of them.. let's call her May... brought up the topic of my crush... let's call him Brayden. I told them about how I felt after the concert was over and started to cry. All three of my friends... May... uh, Monica... and, uh, Alexis... told me I should just get over him. That is when I went full on rage mode.
They were telling me to get over him? For God's sake! I couldn't believe they went there! Alexis was fucking dating a guy from fucking Norway! May was fucking leading on a fucking senior (we are all freshmen)! Monica is asexual so I had nothing against her... but she has a secret admirer... let's call him Daniel... so, yeah. "Sure and in the meantime, May, you can stop talking to that Senior, Alexis, time for you to break up with that Norwegian guy, and Monica, you should just transfer schools so Daniel doesn't have to deal with your asexual ways!" I was so fucking mad!
By now you have all realised that I have a very short temper but I had a reason to snap. Next time you feel like telling someone to get over their crush, remember what it would be like if someone told you that. It sucks. We are separated now and Alexis commit suicide. I hate those girls so much for making me feel that shitty.
#love #betrayal #friends #crush #suicide #remember #tears #hate #temper #message
I need to confess.
I've never asked for much in my life. Just to be happy. I can't seem to ever find it though. Every time I do it always ends up being fake. I hate that so much. But a while back I found happiness in a girl. She was everything I've ever wanted and more. I devoted my life to keeping her happy and I did everything to do so. We were inseparable, or so I thought. One day, not too long ago in fact, she decided to just throw away all we worked so hard to achieve.
I was so devastated I tried to kill myself numerous times. When my knives were finally taken away I looked up key points on my veins and took thumbtacks to each point. Several at a time too. The pain was unbearable and I thought it would work. It didn't obviously. People saw the scars and finally I got help. I was gone for a few days but it felt like a lifetime. When I finally got out of where I was I felt better but not helped. I still have thoughts of death and suicide and am having them now as I type these words. The scars serve as my own permanent reminder of what I went through. Everyone wants me to promise never to do it again...but these promises have been made in vain....
I am depressed for quite a while now. It happens some times that I feel really really down for a couple of weeks, but it always gets better again after a while. But in those few weeks I feel really shitty and I also self harm. I innately feel like I am full of shit and deserve everything bad I get.
But now... it does not go away. I feel like this since around November last year and I guess it keeps getting worse and worse. I started wondering about suicide now. That never happened before. I imagine what it would be like if I ended it all, how everyone would react and how I would do it and how it would all simply be over. And it is not just like those thoughts you have, but real consideration.
Why am I writing this confession now? I just had one of those thoughts, of just ending it and I actually felt giddy and full of anticipation. It was only for a few seconds, but I think I need help.
#depression #help #suicide #selfharm #hurt
I have aspergers, therefore I'm awkward around everyone. All the time. Truthfully I'm just tired of every conversation. No ones ever gonna love me. Idk that I will see tomorrow.
I wish I was everything I’m not
I wish I was skinny
I wish I was pretty
I wish I was lighter
I wish I had friends
I wish I had a life
I wish I wasn’t alone
I wish my life was different
I wish I could switch bodies with someone else, this girl is the person my best friend ditched me for and now I’m just alone, all the things we used to do she does with her. I just don’t know if people can even see me
I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes.
I'm bad like really bad. But looking at me you would never know. People are catching on as my life falls apart. I've been living like a quadruple life I guess. I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't think of anything I like. I hate everything and everyone. I have no friends left, the women of my life cheated lied and stole the entire time I've known them. Most of my buddies too. Just users you know. I always offer too much and people gladly accept my generosity. I always try and help but it eventually becomes them being entirely dependent on me. Then they go and I've lost so much in them. I never see the fruits of my labours.
Now I'm totally alone. And financially ruined. Relying on booze and drugs to feel better about the shitty person I am. I pray to god thanking him only, not asking for more. He still rewards me a lot. Gives me great opportunity and strength to conquer challenges. But I can't conquer myself. I want to end my life. Nobody would notice except the few leeches who still cling to my generosity. Everybody I've helped is doing great. I never took time to take care of myself, or set myself up better. My friends, wife, in laws, girlfriends, and associates have all benefitted greatly from my efforts but I'm fucked mentally physically and financially. I even still protect people after they betray me. Keep their secrets, bend to their requests.
I'm going to blow my brains out.
I hate this world, it's ruined anyway. Goodby you fucked up people. There's a good chance that there is someone in your life going through this who helped you a lot. I bet you won't even reach out to repay what's owed. Sick fucking society world wide.
I don’t care whether I live or die anymore. I’ve started just taking taking too many pain killers hoping it might just be enough to finish me off, if it wasn’t for the effort required in ending it all I’d already be dead.
Maybe it's not the right way to do it, but I'd like to thank my friend Dave for being there for me.
Thanks buddy! You can't imagine how grateful I am that I can call you my friend.
My life has always been very rough.
I had problems with the asshole of stepfather, he was very cruel to me, my little sister Trish and my mom. He beaten us up, got totally drunk and I often saw him going into the bedroom of Trish at night but I was too scared to tell anybody. I am such a dick! Why haven't I told someone?
I moved out, left my beloved little sister behind; that was 4 years ago... Trish was 12 to that time.
I was in therapy for the last months! My sister is dead... she killed herself about a year ago. She didn't say anything before she did it. The last year I had to life with the certainty that it's my fault that she's dead now!! My baby little sister is dead... I just had to say somethin about our stepfather but I didn't!
All of my friends abandoned me; they said I could have done something against it.....
Only Dave was behind my back all the time.. I am not good right now but just because of him, I am able to live.
Thanks bro!
#sister #sin #stepfather #dead #suicide
I am just about out of hope. I feel like my last chance is getting electro convulsive therapy, if that doesn't help I will just kill myself because I can't live like this anymore.
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
#insanity #death #suicide #fear #addiction #abandonment #loss
Several years ago I purposely slit my wrist while cutting up boxes. I made it look like an accident. It did not bleed as I missed the vein. I got scared and rushed to the hospital to get stiches. I lied to the doctor about what happen to avoid going to see a therapist. I now have scar as a reminder. I guess it wasn't my time to go yet.
I tried to commit suicide 2 days ago.
Took a lot of sleeping pills but it didn't work. I had to puke very bad and I since them I'm kind of sick.
When I think about it right now, it was kinda stupid idea. I need to talk to someone.
#suicide #confession #death #sick #puke
My confession is that i tried to kill myself.
Everything just got too much for me. I never told anyone about it so it's kinda big deal that i write this now.
tried to drown myself but in the end i hadn't had the guts to do it.
But i know now that i have to change something bcause it can't go on like this....
When I was moving to secondary school I had plenty of friends and was always the centre of attention but as soon as I moved to secondary I started to fade away like nobody notice me so at the time I thought it would be a great idea to fake my depression/suicidal thoughts to get attention I would post on social media about how I wanted to die and that nobody cared about me anymore. And it worked I was getting a lot of attention and I loved it until my childhood best friend who meant a lot to me went and told my parents I know she was only doing it to protect me but the only reason I stated doing this so she would give me more attention, I felt like shit my parents asked me why I was posting this stuff and I couldn’t tell them the real reason because I was to embarrassed and I thought they would hate me for it so I just told them that I was being bullied. I said that I was being picked on by 4 boys which I kinda was but it was only inside jokes they would call me 4 eyes and pick on me put we always saw it as a joke so I just blamed it on that, and it worked my parents told the school about the boys and they were punished and I felt so bad I actually thought about killing myself but after all this my parents took me out of school to home school me this was the worst point of my life.
My best friend slowly drifted from me I was losing all my friends and I had no one left, my parents put me into therapy (it didn’t work because there was nothing to work on). A whole year goes by of me being home schooled I’m trapped indoors most of the time because my parents won’t let me go out and I couldn’t use social media anymore so I had no way of contacting my best friend, at this point my mental state started deteriorating I was going insane until I finally snapped and ran away. I wasn’t gone for long as I had no where to go but the first place I went to was to go see my best friend she lived quite close to me so it wasn’t really a problem so I went to go see her but she didn’t want to see me I was confused until I talked to another close friend of mine and released that the whole school knew I was faking my depression for attention my heart sank because I knew that everybody would hate me now and I would lose everyone. After all this I went home and my parents were talking to the police because they were scared that I was gonna try kill myself, when I got inside the house my parents told me that they are sending me to hospital to be put on suicidal watch i didn’t want to go but I had to while I was there I saw my phone in my mothers bag and I grabbed it to try msg my best friend and explain things but when I logged into Instagram I saw hate groups mate for me saying that I should actually kill myself I felt awful but what made me hate myself even more is the fact that my best friend had blocked me and sent me a message saying that she wanted nothing to do with me my heart sank. I had lost everything I had nothing left I just wanted the pain that I caused to end so I stood up and ran to the canteen, the canteen didn’t have anything sharp in it other than the knifes they were not to sharp to stop people from killing themselves but I made it work I grabbed one and ran to the toilets I quickly locked the door some of the nurses noticed what i was doing and tried kicking down the door, I tried slitting my throught with the knife but it wouldn’t go deep enough and by the time I managed to make the knife sharp enough they had already broken down the door I was taken away from there and put into a mental hospital where I have stayed for 4 years I don’t know what my ex friends are up to now but all I know is they don’t care about me anymore no one does and it’s all my fault I only wanted my best friend to show me more attention because deep down I loved her but I was to afraid to tell her.
Sorry about the really bad English and grammar I haven’t really learned much seeing as most of my time as been spent in this hell hole my hour on the phone is nearly up so I got to go but if I was to give you a life lesson do not fake mental illness for attention it completely fucked up my life and I don’t think i will ever be able to reedem myself goodbye
And Izzy if your reading this I’m sorry I always loved you but I was to afraid to say it maybe in another life I wouldn’t be so selfish and just puck up the corage to ask you out.
#depression #bestfriend #love #suicidal #suicide #attention #fake
I don't even know anymore. I'm so fed up with everything and everyone. I know people say to go see your doctor and get help but what are you meant to do when you go to them for help and they do nothing.
I have a hard time forgiving my parents. They love to tell you at random times that they would always support you no matter what, but when I failed to deliver my thesis on time (now i have to redo a semester) instead of supporting me they kept makeing me feel guilty about it and how this was all my fault. Also when i told them I wouldn't visit my grandparents on vacaition because I wanted to go to the pychologist they made me feel even more guilty, saying I was selfish and this was stupid. Ok so they had no idea I literally cried myself to sleep for a couple of weeks after the thesis thing but they were far from anything they ever boast about they'd do. I sometimes like to fantasize that I kill myself and leave a letter telling my family that it's not entirely their fault, but they definitely had a major part in it.
I attempted suicide during the pandemic I thought life could not get any better. I still have back problems.
I can’t stop. Everything fucking hurts. I can’t sleep. I never stop hurting myself. Sometimes I don’t remember doing it and I wake up with cuts or burns.
I keep putting matches out on my hands, I cut, I put my hands into boiling water, I binge and then make myself throw up until I’m coughing up blood, and now I’m constantly thinking about stabbing my self, or cutting off my chest. (I’m FtM transgender). I can’t stop thinking about doing it. My chest is wrapped in bandages and duct tape. My ribs hurt so much but I can’t stop. I can’t stop.
#help #suicidal #selfharm #suicide #ftm #trans #ftmtrans #transgender #harm
It started when I was 14, I was being bullied, and abused by my boyfriend, and not knowing who to turn to, or how to even explain what people were doing to me, I looked for a release. I found it in self-harming. For months no one knew what I was doing, then my boyfriend caught me. He began to abuse me even further. It progressed from one time a week, to every day, to 2-3 times a day. This went on for nearly 8 months when my boyfriend then committed suicide.
I took it for the worse and tried to OD. I got help but 2 months later I relapsed, then another 4 months after than I did again. This went on until I met my now boyfriend. To this day, two years later I still self-harm when I breakdown. But for now I have been 3 months free.
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