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I had to bury my dad in November 2013, he had cancer. I haven't managed to get over it yet and it's very hard for me to even think about him.
January 2014, my grandmother died, too. And this isn't hard for me to tell. She's dead for a month now and I don't miss her anymore. I moarn about the death of my dad more than the death of my granny.
I feel bad about it. I loved my granny so much.
Please, forgive me.
I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure when but I can feel my death stalking me every second of the day. I had a stroke at a pretty young age a few years ago. I didn't have any physical residual problems but emotionally I'm fried. I have a constant feeling of dread that lives deep in my gut, something that seems to be stuck inside my esophagus. Sometimes I feel ok, but thoughts of how I'm going to die are never far from my mind. I really want it to end.
I tried to commit suicide 2 days ago.
Took a lot of sleeping pills but it didn't work. I had to puke very bad and I since them I'm kind of sick.
When I think about it right now, it was kinda stupid idea. I need to talk to someone.
#suicide #confession #death #sick #puke
I think I may be slightly crazy. Not like dangerous. Just weird. I can remember real stuff in my past mostly. Some is lost. Health issues & age. The weird thing is I remember stuff that seems real but has to not be. I cant figure it out. Could it really be real?
This is real. I saw a weird secret drone by a military base. I kept that secret all these years. I’m from a military family. Very patriotic. But I never believed in space aliens; ghost; big foot, etc. I had a crazy relative who did. We had to humor them. So I’d act like I did. But I thought it was all stupid.
Now our government is releasing videos, pictures. I see pilots on TV. whatever. They say it’s all real. How can that be? Now I’m very sick. No immune system. I can’t get around people that go out. I’ve only talked very minimal to others. I mean I go weeks without saying a word out loud. Ever since the pandemic hit. So I’ve been stuck in a tiny room all alone for how long? When did the pandemic start? Well since that first day. If I leave I treat it like a combat mission. I’m in & out. Minimal contact I keep 6 feet. Shift. Double layers or n95 I altered myself to have a very tight fit. Topped by face shield. I have intense chemical training. I know how not to get this stuff. But I have went paranoid it seems. It’s like my mind is drawing the danger zone around people. My radius.
I haven’t talked to people in so long I Can’t do it now. I don’t even want to. I seem to be using this phone to talk to who? Me? But I’m just lying constantly. There’s almost no truth. I have no paper so this phone is now my life line to who? Me? So weird. I do try to be pretty honest when I talk to certain people. Even then I tweak stuff. I’m trying to bring about good. I’m on a mission to help all of you. A mission I sent myself on. I was trained to go from being part of a group to a lone wolf in order to finish a mission. Even if i determine and enact the mission myself. So best I can tell my mind has triggered me on a mission to help save us during a pandemic while laying in my bed. See. I think I’m now a little nuts. Thankfully I’m very passive so my missions are just stupid LOL. My primary mission is to try to unite us & spread knowledge.
It sounds mean; but I feared someone in a position of power lacked the skills to be there when this hit. So I tried to give them guidance. Military. Economy. Control of civilian dissent. Division of mission critical items. Creating new items. How to set up the chains. Variants. How to send signals to possible enemies that you were ready if they were up to something. I want tell you how to do that. But I needed to set back and watch how the world responded. Then I could move to other stuff. Doesn’t mean suspected enemies hadn’t done what was possible. Just ment my sudden change gave them pause. That was the point. See if they were just probing or committed. Then I shifted to internal needs. I liked this person. They really seemed to be trying. But no one noticed the internal battle. Political strategies. Us attacking ourselves while a virus attacked. And one or more potential enemies may be fixing to attack us suddenly. I know that sounds foolish to most. I was trained by old soldiers from multiple wars. I also studied military strategy for years. I felt bad about trying to manipulate things, but I was trained that if the battle ground is suddenly lost; and you suspect the leaders have broken. Then any capable soldier in the battle field must take charge of as much of the battlefield as they can in order to save as many as they can. I may have to dig in and die for the common good. I may have to fight a series of retreats. I may have to shift an enemy away; allowing an out of control mass in all out flight to get away. Once I’ve saved all I can. Then I must now save whatever I can that’s left to me. I’ve been trading their lives for time to save those that lost discipline to this point. Now I must try to strategically save key points. If possible I must contact the other separated group and instruct some of them to try to hold a key spot. Get most of them on the water or in safe zone. Use as support until re-enforcement arrives. Instruct them to evacuate all fast if enemy is approaching. I’ll hold my key spot I find. I’m looking for them to hold the port they evacuated from. I need near an area I could be later saved from. I will find defensible ground nearby. I will now raise hell upon them from this position. Always defense. If we fail I must remove myself from the battle so they can’t capture me & use me against their enemy. I’m creating a place for us to re-enter on one side. A place for us to extract on my side once they can recover us. I’ve got all sorts of stuff like that in my mind.
So when the pandemic hit I tried to seize control of a tiny part of the overall battle strategy. To influence it in the correct ways needed. If others had already thought of it I’d be redundancy. If not I’d be supplying valuable insight to those in power. I liked the people I was trying to influence. But I was ultimately not there to serve them. I was there to serve all the scattered troops I could save. Try to help make sure we were preparing for outer War while fighting an already spreading rampant internal war.
Let me tell you. When the internal enemy is an unknown strength I have no idea how many I can save. You’d want to just hold everyone In place. But if an external war is coming. If the internal war was started in order to turn you inward so you exposed your back. Then you have to watch the outside too. The best way to do that is use quick sudden unexpected moments to re-posture. This makes you unpredictable. They may freeze a planned attack. If not you may have just sniffed them out. Either way you just sent a signal. Your in War mode. They’d better watch out. They expected to be the aggressor. Instead you are the aggressor. If they move I will have them. I will now start tearing them apart. If they freeze I’ll stand guard.
After this is over; even if they were pure as new fallen snow, they will study what you did. Everyone will. They will see that in the blink of an eye you went from stagnant and peaceful. To fully engaged. That will cause great pause to everyone. For the duration of your leadership you now will have any potential adversary afraid to move. They will then test the next leader.
Now I needed all barriers removed to get a vaccine ASAP. Control standards train people. In an emergency you remove those. The people you need are already trained. They are now fully motivated out of self survival. Turn them loose. Once you get the vaccine and everyone has dosages, you tighten controls back. Now you study. Was it an accident? Or on purpose?
That sounds foolish. But once long ago we got lazy. Pearl Harbor happened. A certain power has been flexing expanding. Building islands. Taking the property of others. They got control of the head of the WHO. When this happened we had to wonder was it intentional?
Now obviously I didn’t do any of that. I’m just some person trapped in my bed in a room during a pandemic. But I’m sinking into my pretend wars because I needed distraction. I actually did none of that. I just watched the news. Saw what seemed to be happening in the news everyday to hear data. The news is boring. So I made it more interesting to myself.
In my pretend game the leader had an unnatural addiction to social media. That meant they may also take input. So I gave them input. I expected zero response. I expected qualified people on the other end to completely ignore me. For them to be large & in charge. Instead; I actually seemed to be helping to drive the ship. I thought are you freaking kidding me. I almost died right before this hit. Now I seem to be helping to drive the response? Well all right then. I’ll try to help drive. I’m a person of love. I see the good in everyone. Most people are more good than bad. You just have to find a way to get the best out of them.
I never expected to be helping to drive the ship from my bed as I struggled not to die.
At a certain point I saw that the internal attack was beyond hope. Not the invisible enemy. The internal struggle with ourselves. I had tried to stabilize the leader with good advice. But he was being attacked verbally & was upset. At this point I knew the power was gone. We were all setting at home. The media started focusing on things. I personally agree with what the media wants. However; I felt we should have focused on our economy the next cycle. Even though that would dramatically hurt me
But that was over. The streets were full. Change was coming. Out of this horrible bad good would come. I actually believed in the one going out economically. I question the one coming in economically. But I agree with him otherwise on most things.
I was hoping we’d bounce back fast economically. People like me would struggle financially with no health care. But it would be the best for most people.
Once i saw the streets full I realized he wasn’t listening to me anymore so I unplugged. At least I’d given sound advice. Now at the end. I was needed once again. He was knee deep in. So I reached out & said let it go. Go and heal yourself. You did good.
I have now offered a few bits of advice to the new power. But he won’t need my help. I did suggest ways to unite us. But I thing with a vaccine in hand this guy can handle it. So I can die now.
I almost died. No money for a hospital. Now I’m trying the medicine again since my nation no longer needs me. I’m so sick. I can’t stand it. I’ve got to let it go too. Trust the next guy. I haven’t slept in days. I’m so sick. My hands cracked open & started bleeding today in several spots. That means my body is getting very dehydrated. Yet I’m drinking water till I’m almost at disreah. That means my body is attacking itself. I waited for this med way too long. I ate a lot of bad food to try to help you for way too long. Now I have to try to live. For my sick child.
See what I did there. I did it again. I’m just some moron. I’m literally an old disabled person barely alive. I do have a very sick disabled child. My poor kids. They’re so sweet. But I failed them.
I do have to ask this. Am I crazy. I wonder if I went crazy a while back. Was I really trying to help control my nation from my bed? Would someone actually listen to a deranged person? I would hope not. If my nation needed my help from my bed then that’s wild. But at least I tried to help get them ventilators, a vaccine, get their leader to be nice, to make sure we were prepared for an invasion. I did my best considering I pass out constantly and can barely focus. Plus I’m brain damaged.
Too weird. I sometimes wonder. Am I dead? See I almost died right before the pandemic. It’s been very hard ever since. I have these short moments of clarity. Then I drift off.
I’m so glad the vaccine exists. So glad we reached the finish line. Surely we can have more peace now.
You should thank the man who left for what he did. Hope the next man does well. But I have to tell you I’m nervous. That whole capital thing was worrisome. We have to get people back to work & with vaccines in their arms. I’m not going to waste my time bothering the new guy. I’ll assume he’s not going to need me help. I’ve got to work on me now. I have been peeing blood I’ve got to get my body balanced.
But why can’t people get along? It’s a pandemic people. Let’s love each other. It works better that way. And please my Creator. Do not let someone rise actually need my help beyond my few I can try to help. I’m frazzled. I can’t handle it anymore.
I am 12 almost thirteen and i feel like i need to tell my story. I suffer from depression and there is nothing i can do about it. What did i do wrong? I even think about suicide. Other people who feel like this - trust me, even though it may feel like it, you are not alone.
When my friends grandma (I also knew her quite a bit) died I felt nothing, I only felt guilty for not feeling bad. But I shrugged it off as she was only my parents friend.
That was a while ago, but I still felt nothing when our beloved dog died, my grandma died and when my childhood friend died; and he was only 20. I feel wrong for not feeling bad, but it's not like I can make myself sad. WTF is wrong with me?
And yes I know my secret isn't as good as others, I'm a boring person.
I sometimes secretly wish my wife would die. I love her and I always will but sometimes I miss the freedom I had when I was single. Divorce is out of the question so the only way our marriage can end is if she dies. If she does die then I already know what my life will be. I can smoke, drink, and eat myself to death and that is how I will be most happy to die.
I have been in love with a man for three years who is ten years older than myself. I am 23; we try to talk via skype or other means weekly, or as much as we can. We have had beautiful experiences in various countries and both travel far to meet one another. He is in love with me too, telling me this and trying to figure out how we can relocate to be together. We each have someone else, so there is another issue with our affair...he is in the marines and will spend two months in a dangerous country beginning April and I am terrified for his safety...to make a long story short, I miss him more than anything, and don’t know how to process the idea of his potential death...
Death. I almost died right before this pandemic hit. I’m so tired. I saw so many hurting. I did my best to offer encouragement. To offer advice. To try to save some who were hurting. To help the people I love.
But death finds us all. It’s undefeated. I don’t know how much longer I can fight this disease off. I’m amazed I’m still alive.
I think I’m going to have to stop trying to help random people. It’s my nature to do so. But I just don’t have anything left to give. Plus I’m alone. Someone told me I’m selfless. That probably is true. But even a star eventually burns out.
I’m so lonely. I’m going to die all alone. Oh I’ll never just give up. But I can’t hold Back death forever. I kept hoping someone would need or want me again. But this pandemic & fate seems to have conspired against me. The world is full of sadness. I did my best to make it smile.
If this is my end I finally pulled my mask off and winked at the world. I fear I may have wasted much of my life giving too much of myself. Perhaps I was just an idiot when all is said & done.
Sometimes I wish I was dead. I live in a country where it's really hard to get a gun, so if it would be easier, I would already be dead...
My first day of kindergarten, my teacher Mr.Joel says "Alright we are going on a field trip to the national park ,so I need a girls to board the bus first then boys!"
I wasn't paying attention and I got on the bus first. Mr Joel approached me and sarcastically ask."Excuse me Gregory, are you a girl or boy? "I don't know I said". That moment , that question confused the fuck out of me for the rest of my life. I mean i have a penis but I don't like to look at it because it looks icky. My mom was shitting on the toilet and I was standing in the doorway naked when I was 3 years old telling her I pooped my diaper and all she said was ah fuck not again just like fucking father and she slammed the door and my penis got caught in between it. I screamed and my neighbors took me to the hospital because my mother refused to drive drunk and high. The doctors put ice on it and sent me home. But by the time we got home my mom was asleep so my neighbors made me sleep when there son picaru was two years older the me. I didn't sleep Much that night cause picaru kept sticking Lego's and a hot wheels cars up my butthole and he would tie string around my injured penis and attach to a fishing rod and he would yank hard and reel it up until the line broke. Everytime I screamed he told his parents I was having bad dreams so his dad took off my clothes and laid me on his lap in the living room while we both watched the entire Andy Griffith show season one all night. He didn't molest me or assault me but he did kiss me on the lips a lot and call me 'judy Ann' and 'honey' a lot. Judy Ann was his dead wife's name.fucked up part is the when he drove me to the hospital he hit my dog spider and he promised he would check on him once we got back. I never saw spider again :(.
#death #assault #abandoned #injury #abuse #drugs #trauma #transgender
I very good friend of mine died at the age of 18, I was 17 to that time. I got a condolence card and everyone at my school, students and teachers, signed it. But I forgot to send it, today I found it in my messy room.
I feel terrible...
#friend #death #die #condolescence #card
sometimes fake friend makes me feel sick and tired, so i fakeing my death, i not contact them for about 2 week, and i cameback, tell them that " i wasn't marie" yes i acting. and fakeing my death, to make them feel guilty, sad, and loss
Did i go to Heaven twice; or imagine it?
I'm a skeptical person. I don't believe ghosts are possible. I think big foot was the silverback gorrila. People see a deer/bear; panick; & imagine the shadow is bigfoot. Nessie was wood; & dolphins. Giant squid was real. Etc.
Ive had people tell me my eyes glow: just odd eyes. This has caused some to call me a star child. I like to mess with people to try to help teach them not to believe in crazy stuff.
But some of the signs are real. But let's face it; they ars vague. A lot of butterflys used to land on me: i emit a sweet smell when i sweat. Butterflys need the salt. A lot of kind animals liked me. Well; I'm nice. I think i emit more pharamones than most. Till recent old age i had a higher pitch very musical voice.
A lot of birds whistled at me. I have big flexible tounge; & have mimicked bird sounds for yrs. So emitting non-threatening pheremones & mimicking their sounds attract them.
Mean animals: i get very aggessive. I was 270 lb muscle man. I probably emit phaamones that send a threat to them.
In 70's i saw a Tic Tac secret US craft by a military base. You see similar craft in Navy video. Can i prove that's what it was? No; but its either that or aliens. I would need much more proof before i could believe aliens are visiting. I see some stuff on TV; but we've been faked before.
After i saw it i had weird dreams. Is it possible aliens were trying to abduct me & somehow kept me in a dream state; sure. But isnt it more likely all the scared adults outside that night with me who cried & were in shock; plus calls to the news; & the news running a show discussing possible abductions caused me to have weird vivid dreams? Let's face it; as soon as i woke up screaming & running they started dissapearing. So to me; this proves alien abuctions are the exact same; vivid dreams.
I'll grant you; having a weird guy try to abduct me months later is curious. Except i think it was months later. He was in darkish/blackish clothes; but so what. We had a ton of drug using child abductors in 70's. See: science. I believe its possible a few people who witnessed secret US craft were visited by secret agents; but so what; after WWII, who wanted a nuke war with Russia & maybe China?
So; i can use science to explain all so far; & yes i will keep messing with people to try to help them stop believing in goofy stuff.
Now for the last two; i felt like i went to Heaven twice when i nearly died. The second one is very easy; i was nearly killed. Heart stopped. I could have very easily have imagined it.
So that leaves precisely one event i can't explain with science. As a little boy when i was saved i thought my soul briefly went to Heaven. I can't explain that. I should not have known all of that; or all the stuff i knew about space at that young of age. Since I'm a Christian; & patterned my entire life after that experience, I'm sticking with it as real. That said; its possible that could be scientifically explained away, but i haven't seen a way yet. Either way; God & Jesus loves me; & I'm going to Heaven when i die.
God Bless
I have tried to reason with people about Covid. They laughed and argued with me. Then they got sick. Hospitals. Permanent disability & death in one family.
So they wore masks. I slowly got them vaccinated. I was told not to take it. I stepped up early. Lied. Took it anyways. They watched I didn’t die & most took it.
Delta kicked some of their butts. I warned the non vax. I warned that the vax could still carry to others. I masked up. They laughed. Then some got sick. It’s spread. Two extended deaths. Not sure who gave it to who. Now they are very somber.
I’ve had 3. I may go lie & get a 4th. It seems stupid. But I’m having to prove this stuff is safe. They keep catching on “after” the fact. Their tears are sad. Their guilt is sad. The ones who seem permanently damaged is sad.
I’m not mocking them. I’m sad for them. Sorry for their loss. Sorry that fear mongers are making money by scaring people into not vaxxing. I’m stupid. I can’t find a way to reach a wonderful person. That crushes my soul. If they get it & die I’ll be destroyed. I’m so sad.
I'm 16 and used to self harm on my wrist until my friend saw the cuts on my wrist and told a teacher who then told my mum I blamed it on my dog and they all believed it so I switched places to my stomach, top of my legs and top of my arms. I tried to overdose on about two boxes of painkillers and some other tablets I fell asleep and when I woke up I was in loads of pain being sick. I don't know what to do but I don't want to talk to my family. I blame myself for my aunties death
When my dad's dog died I was actually happy at first. He was old and no longer able to control his bowels while also being more demanding than usual. He was always a bit of a nuisance due to my parents not training him at all and in age became worse through no real fault of his own. He was clearly suffering since his legs had failed entirely. He got put down after vomiting blood.
After a few days I began to remember his puppyhood and felt emotional. He was a trouble maker but never malicious. He wasn't a bad dog, maybe he could had been trained better but he was not bad.
He seemed so scared when he was in his final days of existence. I want to know his pain has ended and he is in Heaven not some eerie plane of non-existence.
I gave him a bath and cooked chicken with a tasty sauce for the dog in his sunset hours. I didn't actually know he was going to be put down that day.
I wish I had cared for him more in his life. Now I feel a void. He was a nice dog. He didn't deserve to die and it hurt to watch him suffering. I feel like a shit person.
While our kids were in school, my husband and I had to let our dog Maco be put down. He was already very old and has several tumors in his lungs. That happened 2 days ago. But we were both too scared to tell our children because they loved Maco by all their heart. They would never forgive us if they found out that we let this happen. So for 2 days now, we act like Maco went missing, we even helped our kids to create missing posters and they are spreading those posters now in our neighbourhood.
I am a drama queen. My life is actually not bad but I overexaggerate everything and create problems were there aren't any. I am in a relationship, got a loving and caring family, got a job and I live a good life.
I thought about leaving my boyfriend just to get more attention. I need the interest of others and I guess I am a very strenuous person.
Sometimes I think about dying and imagine how everyone around me would react to my death. It satisfies me to know that a lot of people would be devastating.
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
#insanity #death #suicide #fear #addiction #abandonment #loss
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