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I have been in love with a man for three years who is ten years older than myself. I am 23; we try to talk via skype or other means weekly, or as much as we can. We have had beautiful experiences in various countries and both travel far to meet one another. He is in love with me too, telling me this and trying to figure out how we can relocate to be together. We each have someone else, so there is another issue with our affair...he is in the marines and will spend two months in a dangerous country beginning April and I am terrified for his safety...to make a long story short, I miss him more than anything, and don’t know how to process the idea of his potential death...
This will sound so stupid, but I have to tell someone...
I am an adult woman (31), with an adult job and an adult life. But I still like to read fanfiction. I read all different types of fanfiction, everything I find interesting at the moment. My newest and most current obsession is about a band. I read a lot fanfiction about them the last couple of months.
But I finished one story yesterday that fucked me up.. One of the band members died at the end. It was a beautifully written story and everything, but I got so sad and I still am. As if he really died! I cried for hours and now I feel like I am grieving.
But why am I writing this... today, it was announced that the band member's sister died last night! I am so devastated for him and it breaks my heart in ways I cannot even explain. He doesn't even know I exist, that's crazy...
I very good friend of mine died at the age of 18, I was 17 to that time. I got a condolence card and everyone at my school, students and teachers, signed it. But I forgot to send it, today I found it in my messy room.
I feel terrible...
I tried to commit suicide 2 days ago.
Took a lot of sleeping pills but it didn't work. I had to puke very bad and I since them I'm kind of sick.
When I think about it right now, it was kinda stupid idea. I need to talk to someone.
I have an interest to go online and look at pictures of dead people. Then I like to laugh at them. The dead bodies dont disterb me, even when their organs or blood is exposed. I'm not sorry holocaust victims and dead people but I guess I should be...
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
What do you think... is it ok to lie to a person that is dying? That is a question I get to ask myself over and over again for the last 3 years. My Dad was very sick. I do not want to say too much about it to protect my identity, but after his diagnosis, we knew that he did not have much time left. He needed a kidney transplant and he needed one fast.
My sister and I immediately went to the doctors to see if we were a match and could save his life by giving him one of our kidneys.
I remember that my sister's appointment was on a Tuesday, mine was following the next day on Wednesday.
Here comes the horrible part... I never went to my appointment. I was drinking and partying the night before and overslept. It was such a terrible, horrible and terrifying time and I used to get my mind off things by doing a lot of wrong stuff with a lot of wrong people.
I woke up in a haze on Thursday afternoon to a frantic phone call from my sister telling me that she was no match. She was crying hysterically and beyond reasoning. I still remember that moment. I could have said that I forgot my appointment and that I would make another one. But a lot of other stuff happened before (I do not want to talk about it in detail), that I was ashamed to admit it. In this moment, I was certain, if my sister was not a match, I would not be one either.
So, I lied. I said I WAS at the appointment and that I also was not able to donate.
In that moment I really believed that the universe would not be so sadistic and evil as to let my kind and good father die because of his terrible excuse of a daughter.
Well, he lived for 3 more months. They were not able to find a match or a donor in time. And I will never know if I could have saved his life.
I am a drama queen. My life is actually not bad but I overexaggerate everything and create problems were there aren't any. I am in a relationship, got a loving and caring family, got a job and I live a good life.
I thought about leaving my boyfriend just to get more attention. I need the interest of others and I guess I am a very strenuous person.
Sometimes I think about dying and imagine how everyone around me would react to my death. It satisfies me to know that a lot of people would be devastating.
I pushed a cat down the stairs.
Did i go to Heaven twice; or imagine it?
I'm a skeptical person. I don't believe ghosts are possible. I think big foot was the silverback gorrila. People see a deer/bear; panick; & imagine the shadow is bigfoot. Nessie was wood; & dolphins. Giant squid was real. Etc.
Ive had people tell me my eyes glow: just odd eyes. This has caused some to call me a star child. I like to mess with people to try to help teach them not to believe in crazy stuff.
But some of the signs are real. But let's face it; they ars vague. A lot of butterflys used to land on me: i emit a sweet smell when i sweat. Butterflys need the salt. A lot of kind animals liked me. Well; I'm nice. I think i emit more pharamones than most. Till recent old age i had a higher pitch very musical voice.
A lot of birds whistled at me. I have big flexible tounge; & have mimicked bird sounds for yrs. So emitting non-threatening pheremones & mimicking their sounds attract them.
Mean animals: i get very aggessive. I was 270 lb muscle man. I probably emit phaamones that send a threat to them.
In 70's i saw a Tic Tac secret US craft by a military base. You see similar craft in Navy video. Can i prove that's what it was? No; but its either that or aliens. I would need much more proof before i could believe aliens are visiting. I see some stuff on TV; but we've been faked before.
After i saw it i had weird dreams. Is it possible aliens were trying to abduct me & somehow kept me in a dream state; sure. But isnt it more likely all the scared adults outside that night with me who cried & were in shock; plus calls to the news; & the news running a show discussing possible abductions caused me to have weird vivid dreams? Let's face it; as soon as i woke up screaming & running they started dissapearing. So to me; this proves alien abuctions are the exact same; vivid dreams.
I'll grant you; having a weird guy try to abduct me months later is curious. Except i think it was months later. He was in darkish/blackish clothes; but so what. We had a ton of drug using child abductors in 70's. See: science. I believe its possible a few people who witnessed secret US craft were visited by secret agents; but so what; after WWII, who wanted a nuke war with Russia & maybe China?
So; i can use science to explain all so far; & yes i will keep messing with people to try to help them stop believing in goofy stuff.
Now for the last two; i felt like i went to Heaven twice when i nearly died. The second one is very easy; i was nearly killed. Heart stopped. I could have very easily have imagined it.
So that leaves precisely one event i can't explain with science. As a little boy when i was saved i thought my soul briefly went to Heaven. I can't explain that. I should not have known all of that; or all the stuff i knew about space at that young of age. Since I'm a Christian; & patterned my entire life after that experience, I'm sticking with it as real. That said; its possible that could be scientifically explained away, but i haven't seen a way yet. Either way; God & Jesus loves me; & I'm going to Heaven when i die.
I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure when but I can feel my death stalking me every second of the day. I had a stroke at a pretty young age a few years ago. I didn't have any physical residual problems but emotionally I'm fried. I have a constant feeling of dread that lives deep in my gut, something that seems to be stuck inside my esophagus. Sometimes I feel ok, but thoughts of how I'm going to die are never far from my mind. I really want it to end.
My first day of kindergarten, my teacher Mr.Joel says "Alright we are going on a field trip to the national park ,so I need a girls to board the bus first then boys!"
I wasn't paying attention and I got on the bus first. Mr Joel approached me and sarcastically ask."Excuse me Gregory, are you a girl or boy? "I don't know I said". That moment , that question confused the fuck out of me for the rest of my life. I mean i have a penis but I don't like to look at it because it looks icky. My mom was shitting on the toilet and I was standing in the doorway naked when I was 3 years old telling her I pooped my diaper and all she said was ah fuck not again just like fucking father and she slammed the door and my penis got caught in between it. I screamed and my neighbors took me to the hospital because my mother refused to drive drunk and high. The doctors put ice on it and sent me home. But by the time we got home my mom was asleep so my neighbors made me sleep when there son picaru was two years older the me. I didn't sleep Much that night cause picaru kept sticking Lego's and a hot wheels cars up my butthole and he would tie string around my injured penis and attach to a fishing rod and he would yank hard and reel it up until the line broke. Everytime I screamed he told his parents I was having bad dreams so his dad took off my clothes and laid me on his lap in the living room while we both watched the entire Andy Griffith show season one all night. He didn't molest me or assault me but he did kiss me on the lips a lot and call me 'judy Ann' and 'honey' a lot. Judy Ann was his dead wife's name.fucked up part is the when he drove me to the hospital he hit my dog spider and he promised he would check on him once we got back. I never saw spider again :(.
I guess I'm one of those who need a lot of attention. I am a real drama queen. But I don't intend to be like that, it just breaks out of me...
Do you also have phantasies about your death? And I mean not how you gonna die, but how it should be when you are dead? If someone would be sad and how others would react?
I often envision the worst and most terrible things that could happen and I even enjoy it when I get sympathy, so I tell lies and worsen stuff to get it.
I am a terrible person....
When my dad's dog died I was actually happy at first. He was old and no longer able to control his bowels while also being more demanding than usual. He was always a bit of a nuisance due to my parents not training him at all and in age became worse through no real fault of his own. He was clearly suffering since his legs had failed entirely. He got put down after vomiting blood.
After a few days I began to remember his puppyhood and felt emotional. He was a trouble maker but never malicious. He wasn't a bad dog, maybe he could had been trained better but he was not bad.
He seemed so scared when he was in his final days of existence. I want to know his pain has ended and he is in Heaven not some eerie plane of non-existence.
I gave him a bath and cooked chicken with a tasty sauce for the dog in his sunset hours. I didn't actually know he was going to be put down that day.
I wish I had cared for him more in his life. Now I feel a void. He was a nice dog. He didn't deserve to die and it hurt to watch him suffering. I feel like a shit person.
Now i am 25 year old.When i was 22 my crush rejected me, i got heartbroken and entered into a relationship with another classmate of mine. After I got into relationship with my classmate,my crush called me few times but I rejected her call. I was continuing my relationship with my classmate.One day when I was kissing my girlfriend(i.e. my classmate) in college campus a guy saw us kissing and he spreader the kissing story in whole college(My crush also got the new). After that incident my girlfriend dumped me and started talking to other guy. Although I was in relationship with my classmate I wasn't in love with her.I loved my crush since I was 21 and now I am 25 and I still love her. yesterday I proposed my crush and she said NO. (Its my story )
JUDGE ME,DIRECT ME,HELP ME
I AM ASHAMED, HEARTBROKEN, I AM LOST.
IF YOU CAN HELP ME.GUIDE ME PLEASE.
Sometimes I wish I was dead. I live in a country where it's really hard to get a gun, so if it would be easier, I would already be dead...
I had to bury my dad in November 2013, he had cancer. I haven't managed to get over it yet and it's very hard for me to even think about him.
January 2014, my grandmother died, too. And this isn't hard for me to tell. She's dead for a month now and I don't miss her anymore. I moarn about the death of my dad more than the death of my granny.
I feel bad about it. I loved my granny so much.
Please, forgive me.
When my grandfather died, I was so angry with him that I refused to go to his funeral.
Even now, 2 years later, I regret that I didn't take the chance to say goodbye to him one last time.
Today, I dressed myself as death, with a scythe and a hood and walked through a nursing home.
I never had so much fun in my life before.
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