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I was at a lake and saw a lot of hot girls. I’m a little chubby right now. I’m 6’1 200 pounds. I had to wear a swim shirt because of my lack in confidence. But once I got home it opened my eyes. I imagined how much more confident I would’ve been if I had abs and could’ve just walked up to them and said hey. I always fantasize about being in shape and being happy. I’ve started to fast and eat less chunk food. I only drink water now as well. I’m going back in a couple months and really want to have no shirt so I can actually feel good being around girls.
I met a guy back in the 80's and we used to fuck and it was so fun. His name was Francisco and he was SO cute, 20 years old with a baby face and a nice body. He smelled good and his skin was so smooth. I used to love to suck his dick and feel him inside me. I haven't seen him in years, I've been married, divorced had different jobs. We did meet up a few times later, but he was changed- I think he was struggling with debt and family problems and he came off as sort of cold a bit smug. I could tell something was troubling him but we never discussed it. Now I wished we had. I've had all sorts of lovers, boyfriends, etc. But Francisco Flores was special, NO ONE has ever made me feel that way. My pussy used to ache for days after he fucked me, and now my heart aches. Maybe the closet I've ever come to loving someone I was involved with just for the sex.
I still love her and can't let her go. I need to though because she has fallen for another person... This is my final prayer, please find happiness, and I will find it as well...
If we ever meet again,
be it on better terms...
#heartbreak #love #loss
I have a bad tendency to get violent when I'm angry and I'm scared of my self I forget who I am and what I'm doing and I blank out and don't remember anything unless I'm told what I have done and tbh it scares me not knowing what I do when I lose it I feel like I should be in a mental asylum I hate myself for getting violent
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
#insanity #death #suicide #fear #addiction #abandonment #loss
I live at my aunt's house, as my parents died when I was still young. I hate my aunt, I hate her husband, I hate her stupid brats she calls children. I hate my parents for leaving me behind. I just want it all to end. Why did they leave me? Why couldn't I die too?
Im a terrible person. Those women most men want but can’t get? I got them. They would chase after me. But they judged me. They saw every tiny flaw. I had to stay cut. Dress well. I was compared to men in movies. So I judged them too. Most had to look incredible. I only made exceptions for people who I felt emotions for. But I broke their hearts. I’m having a really hard time forgiving myself. I broke an amazing womans heart. She was my forever. I fucked it up. Then somehow an incredible woman from my past was in my life again. I told her she needed to lose weight & to find someone else. I didn’t mean it. I was just hurting her so she’d hate me & find someone better. I don’t want anyone else to waste their love on me. Why do I hurt people who love me? But I’m not going to hate myself. For some reason a lot of random people in the world are happy when I’m around. I don’t know why. But if I quit, I’m telling them to quit. They need to see me strong. I think I look like one of those super hero's in movies. I think I make people feel safe. So I must try for them. Just don’t fall in love with me ladies. I’m not worth loving. I may look like a dream. But looks are all I have. All those women who just wanted sex with me, I get it now. Thats really all I am. Just a great moment. That guy who looked like a movie star & was amazing in bed. I spend hours in foreplay. Hours of passion. But then I’m just some guy. Its not them. Its me. Probably my fucked up childhood. I do wish I could undo the pain I caused to women who loved me. I feel that pain. Had I just felt it before I hurt them. I wish I could undo the tears I caused. But life isn’t about quitting. Its about being strong for others. So I’m going to try to fight for others if I can. Even if I have to spend the rest of my days alone. It looks like that is my future. I didn’t want that again. But love is sacrifice for others. No one else has to love or want me. I will love them anyways. I will try. But I’ve hid the truth from them. I’m very sick. I don’t know how much more I have left. But a hero never stops. I probably do need to lose weight. People always point that out. Even strangers. Isn’t it funny when a stranger tells you how great you look, but then points out your fat & need better clothes. Then I turn around and do that too. Hopefully I will change that about myself. But I need to lose weight. No one wants to stare at a chunky sexy guy.
I enjoy fighting females. Specifically females who talk like they are going to beat a man. I’m 6’2 175. Not huge but not small either. Whenever I argue with girls online or in public and they get in my face or talk like they will fight me I accept there challenge every time. I’ve fought 8 girls in my life and I know more to come. I’ve only lost once as embarrassing as that sounds. She was a big Samoan girl and she punched me in the right spot and put me down. She beat my ass bad but that didn’t stop me. Every other time it’s me either slamming the girl or just punching her till she is out. I don’t look for these fights. It’s just when I say something I have an opinion on and they try to tell me I’m wrong and we argue. Then they either get physical or threaten to and I meet them somewhere to fight. It’s thrilling knowing I’m either going to knock a bitch out or she is going to fuck me up. Gets my blood pumping.
I study and have to do assignments and I try to fit in some exercise but lately all I do is walking and vibration platform workout with weights and resistance cords. I really try to eat low fat however I notice weight gain. some is from that we have gone back to full cream milk over low fat milk and there is a lot of dieticians turning back to butter and full cream. sometimes I will eat peanut butter and hazelnut choc spreads but I know I should not have these. I avoid jams and sweet things a lot.
I find I get cravings for chocolate and I snack too much on choc wafers and cheese and crackers, biscuits and I have become turned off flavored yogurts and I prefer low fat choc mouse or plain low fat yogurt mixed with lime juice and I prefer chili sauce over other dip sauces as it clears my sinuses.
I rarely eat fattening foods like cake or pastries or ice-cream (they are special treats for me).
dessert for me is like 1 ginger nut biscuit with a cup of tea,
I really enjoy vegitables as themselves or in soups and salads, I love salmon and tuna, and beans and I eat lean meats and small portions only.
I just want to know where I am getting this access fat?
I want to exercise more where my neighbors can't see me exercising. I want to lose weight so bad. I have considered starving myself. cutting half of everything I eat. I drink heaps of water often
I need to find exercise that will work, is fun and not over burdensome!
I am sick of gaining fucking weight. I am sick of being ugly and slobbish and I hate looking at myself in the mirror seeing all the fat.
my laziness is frustrating. I need to move more and I have to study and complete my work. If I don't start looking good and losing weight and feeling good soon I just don't know what I will do.
#fat #weight #loss #frustration
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