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I am a prostitute and I run an entire 'escorting' business. I didn't need the money; I'd been a self-harmer and suicidal for years so I did it out of self hatred, and now I have a business so I can't really get out of it. The most disgusting parts about this are:
1) I have a girlfriend and she doesn't know anything about my business or the people I've slept with
2) I aren't actually 18 yet, unknown by my clients...
I am an avid self harmer. All in the name of sex (and a pinch of self hatred). I am addicted to blood I cut myself really nasty last night and the tub water looked like a cheap red wine. All I did for hours after was masturbate. The water even tasted like my blood
Still even as a recovering anorexic, I still hate my body and hate the way my thighs are shaped.
After becoming suicidal, I stopped looking at it as a bad thing and believe some people deserve it.
It started when I was 14, I was being bullied, and abused by my boyfriend, and not knowing who to turn to, or how to even explain what people were doing to me, I looked for a release. I found it in self-harming. For months no one knew what I was doing, then my boyfriend caught me. He began to abuse me even further. It progressed from one time a week, to every day, to 2-3 times a day. This went on for nearly 8 months when my boyfriend then committed suicide.
I took it for the worse and tried to OD. I got help but 2 months later I relapsed, then another 4 months after than I did again. This went on until I met my now boyfriend. To this day, two years later I still self-harm when I breakdown. But for now I have been 3 months free.
I use to cut. Have been clean for months now and Im ok with that but once in a while I see on Instagram accounts with self harmers and see how DEEP they go and wish I wouldve done that too. I mean my cuts were deep were the flesh just parted and ripped open but not to the point were you can see fat or need stitches. I miss that I really do.
So im like the "hated" friend in the friend group. like i know they dont actually hate me but everyone is CONSTANTLY mean to you yk. it sucks. like so much. ill just say one word and immediately everyone is like "ew why are they here kick them out no one likes them" 😃 considering how long this has been going on and the fact that EVERYONE is doing it just hurts a lot and makes you wonder if they actually hate you cause of the words they send. idk im pretty emotional to might be wrong but 🧍 its gotten to be one of the reasons i hurt myself, but i dont like putting th blame on people so i just dont talk abt it cause i can deal with it
I really need to slit my wrists open.
I am depressed for quite a while now. It happens some times that I feel really really down for a couple of weeks, but it always gets better again after a while. But in those few weeks I feel really shitty and I also self harm. I innately feel like I am full of shit and deserve everything bad I get.
But now... it does not go away. I feel like this since around November last year and I guess it keeps getting worse and worse. I started wondering about suicide now. That never happened before. I imagine what it would be like if I ended it all, how everyone would react and how I would do it and how it would all simply be over. And it is not just like those thoughts you have, but real consideration.
Why am I writing this confession now? I just had one of those thoughts, of just ending it and I actually felt giddy and full of anticipation. It was only for a few seconds, but I think I need help.
I don't know how to put this exactly, but I'm addicted to cutting my body and then showing it to people who care for me secretly. Like I would make the cuts and then when they heal over a bit I would go do a dramatic thing but I've stopped since then. I really want to do it again but I promised everyone that I would stop cutting. I used to cut so bad that I would bleed for not of the night and one day they got infected but I fixed that up without anyone knowing. I just I have this urge all the damn time to cut and I don't know what to do anymore considering the fact that I know it's wrong but it feels so right. I've been trying to find a place where no one could know about the cuts but every time I try to think about it I cringe cuz I know the pain I had to go through and the fact that I was also emotionally unstable and still am to this day. I just I fucked everything up and I don't know how to fix it anymore. The person I love is gone out of my life and I just want to die
I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure when but I can feel my death stalking me every second of the day. I had a stroke at a pretty young age a few years ago. I didn't have any physical residual problems but emotionally I'm fried. I have a constant feeling of dread that lives deep in my gut, something that seems to be stuck inside my esophagus. Sometimes I feel ok, but thoughts of how I'm going to die are never far from my mind. I really want it to end.
I've been in deep depression for...well, it's been so long I forget. My family has now began to put it aside and I'm starting to be the neglected forgotten child in the house. My sister's kid has started to take my place. My father and I rarely talk anymore. Just the other day he refused to look at me once. The desire to just kill myself gets stronger every day. The pain of self harm starts to feel calming now. The pray that when I fall sleep, I never wake up. I keep a tab open of fastest ways to kill myself. I hate the fact I have to deal with this reality. I just want it to end....so bad. I've hurt myself to many times and no one has cared anymore. I've written so many suicide notes. I'm broken.
Its been about 3 years since I admitted to my self that I was depressed. I have always been the one to do stupid things but after those things happen, feelings start to seep in the voices start to get to my head, you are a stupid girl, a brat not worth anything, why don't you just leave it would save them all this trouble. You wouldn't be I missed, you are worh nothing, all you cause is heart ache...ect. These tpes of things always ran threw my mind, and soon and still I believe it. All it seems I can do well is suck money from my parents and pain for my friends and family and the people around me. It seems like no matter what I do , it wont stop. I cut sometimes when I get it deep and I also beat myself over it. I feel like no mstter what even my mom hstes me and my dad to. Sometimes I think of running away, or just kill myself, or just ask my parents to put me up for
adoption. But I am to selfish to do that. I just want to be set free and live with god and the ones that I cant hurt anymore. That would make them happy....
That was me then but now its starting to change I now understand if I do those things I would hurt them even more, I am now starting to open up even more about my feeings but I still keep some of them hidden but it is getting better I found the light at the end of the tunnel and now I am following it and chasing it it will get etter, but I still got a ways to go. No matter what just look for that light no matter how dim it is and go grab it,. It will be worth it!
i find anyway to hurt my body in my power it’s not mine anyways that’s why it must suffer the way it makes me feel every day.
I have kept my anorexia as a dark secret for over 10 years from my family. I've been in a binging and purging cycle for the past couple of days and I got out the peanut butter and my mum told me off telling me I didn't need it because I ate too much already. Just a couple of weeks ago they were threatening to send me to a doctor because I was 'getting too thin'. From her comments I'm back in full blown restriction and I'm ready to prove her wrong once and for all.
im 17, my mom is a drug attict but i love her to death, she does heroin, and crack, this year 2016, i started to do herion somtimes and smoke crack sometimes, i just started because i have triedd other drugs just for the experience but i wonderd why my mom does heroin and cack all the time.. now i know the reason, but anywayone day i got a bag of heroin from my mom, she is aware i do it somtimes. anyway, i do this bag of heroin and i felt amazing, all i rember is closing my eyes, apperently i was dead, my body was purple from no oxygen and i wasnt breathing so my mom and my bestfriend who was there but she didnt know i was on drugs, they called the ambuence and they had to stick somthing up my nose so i can start breathing again, i woke up in the hospital and once i was told that i was dead i flipped out, i actually want to die, anyway after that i stopped for a while but now i do it again, yesterday night i did 2 bags of dope, the first one i did about 8pm, i didnt really feel what i wanted by 9pm so i did another one, about 20 min later i was smoking a blunt of weed with my sister and i wasnt feeling good at all, my head felt ike it was going to explode, so i put the blunt out and went into my house, i said goodnight to everyone and to her, i went in my room and i already knew i was overdosing, i tried so hard to keep myself awake because i didnt want to die so randomly, like i wasnt ready, i kept myself up untill 3 am and then finally said fuck it and went to bed, i woke up fine buti just been thinking since then.. why didnt i just lt it happen, maybe i want to live?.. idk but i really want to do it again and end it,,
I told them to stop, but I couldn't stop myself from self-harm.
It hurts, but it makes me feel better, and I can’t stop
I’m so sorry...
Last year I started it felt really good when spilt my skin open I didn't want my parents to know they found out they told me to stop or else I did, this year I started again I told my friends one of them he said he will be there for me the other you are all g but he told my sister I feel really bad I made so much people cry because I self harm he said is it really necessary to cut I just cant stop its like drug everyone in my school knows some how when I walk into the school I get looks it scares me that people hate me now ' if you really care about me then don't tell' I say some people don't understand me I get really upset I need to cut I couldn't eat I cant sleep I told my friends I'm the middle of the night to help me he did but I'm still cutting but I cant if I do my sister will tell my parents so at camp because camp is coming soon I'm gonna cut there no one can stop there's way more for this confession but I gotta go...
My story and confession is a long and sad one just to warn the reader.
My story begins with prom. I had never dated anyone before asking her to go to my senior prom (male 20 before you ask yourself) and she was a freshman. We danced and were friends before prom, but I took the leap of faith at the end of the night and kissed her. Which started a year long relationship where I absolutely fell in love with her. I would have died for her if I had to, gone through any hardship the world threw at us because I accepted her for who she was and loved her regardless. (Now for the sad part)
Even before the relationship started my life dream was to join the US military. I picked the Navy which she absolutely hated because I had to leave periodically for 4 years (was what my contract was) and left for BT on Feb 4, 2015. She demanded that I write her every day but basic only allowed Saturday's. Anyway, when I hit medical, MEPS never knew I had Aspherger's Syndrome (my recruiter never sent them the files of my diagnosis as a child) and I was sent home on fraudulent enlistment on Feb 27, 2015. (now resolved and cleared through court) When I came home, no one recognized me and my family had a hard time because I was sick, fatigued, depressed, and hallucinating mildly from sleep deprivation. I stood in front of my mom for 15 minutes before she knew it was me. I got a new phone and immediately texted her expecting comfort and compassion.... All I got was the longest, saddest text of my life. She broke up with me because I "didn't love her enough to stay home," essentially. So now completely heart broken, I turn to my friends for support and learning that within a month she had turned all but 3 of my friends against me. All of which now think I'm some kind of sexist asshole who doesn't support women going to college, that I burn down schools, and think I'm a babykiller. Month down the road, I've lost my mind to depression, loneliness, and on Easter day, I find she has done the same thing to my cousins because I caught the one I trust the most talking with her about how "fun it was to watch me in agony," that it was "hilarious to watch me burn and lose my sanity." With that I fucking lost it and walked 2 miles to the rails crying the whole way, begging god to make it stop.... I watched three trains go by.... And the only reason I'm still here to type this is a total stranger dialling 911 and getting the police to talk sense into me. I was hospitalized and told I had mild PTSD, and major depression. Hate was all that remained. To this day I still hate her, have a hard time trusting others, can't make friends, hate life, and have learned to live alone. Lastly the only reason I don't let the hate consume me is that what goes around... comes around.
Thank you for listening.
I over think things. One wrong comment and my day is ruined. I suffer from depression and I have no idea why. Nobody bullys me or hurts me. But I hurt myself. I need help. I'm never anyone's first choice and nobody cares anyway. I also have social anxiety. I try to talk to people but end up having panic attacks. I'm always thinking of hurting myself in one way or another. Even suicide. Nobody notices how broken and alone I am. I'm surrounded by people but alone at the same time.
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