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Lately I've been thinking about suicide. I feel so alone in this world
I'm a 17 year old female. I cut my self for years but little did anyone know. My family lacked to noticed and little did they know I needed and wanted help. 6-9th grade I spent my days crying in the bath tub slowly taking a razor to my thighs and my wrist. I would just look and watch the blood escape my body as tears fell onto my fresh cuts. My boyfriend didn't know neither did my friends... it took me 3 and a half years to find different ways to cope. I haven't touched a razor since then and I don't plan on it now. It's just so disappointing that not even my family or friends noticed...
When I was moving to secondary school I had plenty of friends and was always the centre of attention but as soon as I moved to secondary I started to fade away like nobody notice me so at the time I thought it would be a great idea to fake my depression/suicidal thoughts to get attention I would post on social media about how I wanted to die and that nobody cared about me anymore. And it worked I was getting a lot of attention and I loved it until my childhood best friend who meant a lot to me went and told my parents I know she was only doing it to protect me but the only reason I stated doing this so she would give me more attention, I felt like shit my parents asked me why I was posting this stuff and I couldn’t tell them the real reason because I was to embarrassed and I thought they would hate me for it so I just told them that I was being bullied. I said that I was being picked on by 4 boys which I kinda was but it was only inside jokes they would call me 4 eyes and pick on me put we always saw it as a joke so I just blamed it on that, and it worked my parents told the school about the boys and they were punished and I felt so bad I actually thought about killing myself but after all this my parents took me out of school to home school me this was the worst point of my life.
My best friend slowly drifted from me I was losing all my friends and I had no one left, my parents put me into therapy (it didn’t work because there was nothing to work on). A whole year goes by of me being home schooled I’m trapped indoors most of the time because my parents won’t let me go out and I couldn’t use social media anymore so I had no way of contacting my best friend, at this point my mental state started deteriorating I was going insane until I finally snapped and ran away. I wasn’t gone for long as I had no where to go but the first place I went to was to go see my best friend she lived quite close to me so it wasn’t really a problem so I went to go see her but she didn’t want to see me I was confused until I talked to another close friend of mine and released that the whole school knew I was faking my depression for attention my heart sank because I knew that everybody would hate me now and I would lose everyone. After all this I went home and my parents were talking to the police because they were scared that I was gonna try kill myself, when I got inside the house my parents told me that they are sending me to hospital to be put on suicidal watch i didn’t want to go but I had to while I was there I saw my phone in my mothers bag and I grabbed it to try msg my best friend and explain things but when I logged into Instagram I saw hate groups mate for me saying that I should actually kill myself I felt awful but what made me hate myself even more is the fact that my best friend had blocked me and sent me a message saying that she wanted nothing to do with me my heart sank. I had lost everything I had nothing left I just wanted the pain that I caused to end so I stood up and ran to the canteen, the canteen didn’t have anything sharp in it other than the knifes they were not to sharp to stop people from killing themselves but I made it work I grabbed one and ran to the toilets I quickly locked the door some of the nurses noticed what i was doing and tried kicking down the door, I tried slitting my throught with the knife but it wouldn’t go deep enough and by the time I managed to make the knife sharp enough they had already broken down the door I was taken away from there and put into a mental hospital where I have stayed for 4 years I don’t know what my ex friends are up to now but all I know is they don’t care about me anymore no one does and it’s all my fault I only wanted my best friend to show me more attention because deep down I loved her but I was to afraid to tell her.
Sorry about the really bad English and grammar I haven’t really learned much seeing as most of my time as been spent in this hell hole my hour on the phone is nearly up so I got to go but if I was to give you a life lesson do not fake mental illness for attention it completely fucked up my life and I don’t think i will ever be able to reedem myself goodbye
And Izzy if your reading this I’m sorry I always loved you but I was to afraid to say it maybe in another life I wouldn’t be so selfish and just puck up the corage to ask you out.
Even though I'm surrounded by people and I'm enjoying myself, I still feel lonely and sad. I don't enjoy being alive and I feel like a husk of what I could be.
I've always felt this way, but I wake up each time I lose someone I love more than anything. Someone I dedicate my life to amd it somehow still isn't enough. Since I've given my heart away to people who just shattered it over and over, I'm a deeply troubled person.
Every night it's a battle to go to sleep, because I don't have someone to take care of me and make me feel better from all the people who hurt me and made me this way. I want vengeance on them for doing this to me, but I can't do anything about it.
So many people have harmed me both physically and emotionally, and all I ever want is someone who can help me heal from all of that. Someone I can dedicate my life to and feel appreciated and loved.
It hurts being alone, being treated this way over and over with only false hope to look up to.
My mother has been psychologically, physically, and verbally abusive since I learned how to walk pretty much. She got into deep shit for it when teachers found out one day, and now she just abuses me verbally and psychologically because it won't leave bruises or cuts.
One day my father left her because he couldn't stand it anymore. Now It's just her and I.
I feel so torn down by her that I repeatedly lose hope looking for a job and apartment, and each time reality strikes, making me see that I'm stuck with her. I just want to die sometimes.
i want to die but find out what my girlfriend's reaction would be. to see how much she hated me
I am a prostitute and I run an entire 'escorting' business. I didn't need the money; I'd been a self-harmer and suicidal for years so I did it out of self hatred, and now I have a business so I can't really get out of it. The most disgusting parts about this are:
1) I have a girlfriend and she doesn't know anything about my business or the people I've slept with
2) I aren't actually 18 yet, unknown by my clients...
I can’t stop. Everything fucking hurts. I can’t sleep. I never stop hurting myself. Sometimes I don’t remember doing it and I wake up with cuts or burns.
I keep putting matches out on my hands, I cut, I put my hands into boiling water, I binge and then make myself throw up until I’m coughing up blood, and now I’m constantly thinking about stabbing my self, or cutting off my chest. (I’m FtM transgender). I can’t stop thinking about doing it. My chest is wrapped in bandages and duct tape. My ribs hurt so much but I can’t stop. I can’t stop.
My mother has always hit me if i did something wrong she would yell and scream at me for hours if i talked back or did yell back she wouldnt talk back to me for hours maybe days once she was mad she threw a hammer at my leg i had to walk to school i texted her saying sorry yet she didnt care any time my brother does something wrong i always have to sorry the only thing that helps me through this is playing video games and when i play she gets mad at me so i lock the room to be alone dreaming of dying
i've always secretly wanted to kill someone, some people that i'm friends with know about this. but what they dont know is that the person that i want to kill is myself.
I lie to my family, tell them I don't have shit to self-harm with, I go through their things for my addiction. The urges are too strong. I think i'm going to die soon by running into the highway.
I’m basically an emotional crutch for my friend, pretty much the only one she has, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to kill myself soon. I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to leave her alone and stranded with nobody to talk to anymore, but I don’t think my mind is going to let me stay here much longer. And the worst part is I’m doing everything right. I’ve been taking my meds, reaching out to people when I need them, ive been taking notice when I’m having irrational thoughts and putting a stop to them, I’ve been excersicing, boy howdy have I. Been excersicing, but I still hear screaming that isn’t there, I still feel like my room is closing in on me, I still feel like my mind is deteriorating...what am I doing wrong?
I wanna self-harm almost every fucking day
My constant, sloth like state disgusts me. im a 17 year old male living in england currently and i hate myself. i hate my life. im constantly in a state of boredom, but im too lazy to do anything, im not at college because i cant be bothered having to try to achieve something, i was recently in a relationship with a girl who i thought i loved, but she wanted me to go out every day and i dont want to do that, im too lazy. i do not have a job, because i quite frankly cannot be arsed to go out and look. i dont know how to approach and talk to people in real life situations i spend most of my time playing games like league of legends to try and take my mind off of reality. i do nothing all day but eat, sleep and masterbate. sometimes i wish my family hated me, so i had a reason to feel so shit. i wish something traumatic happened to me as a child, i wish my parents abused me i wish a neighbor raped me or something to make me hate life, but no, my childhood was normal, i used to be normal. but now i cant stop this cycle of nothingness. i dont want to live, but i dont want to die. i dont want to die, i wish i had never been born in the first place. at least if i died and my family hated me then they would be happy i was gone, but they love me, and that makes existence so much harder. idk what im trying to say, i just wanted to vent. basically, im depressed, suicidal, and i dont have a reason for it which angers me to no end. im a disgusting waste of skin, im a waste of resources. im a disgusting human being. this life that was given to me by the lord, or whatever created us is being wasted. im a waste, why do i exist.
i am so so sorry for existing.
After becoming suicidal, I stopped looking at it as a bad thing and believe some people deserve it.
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