Lonelyness Confessions

I just recently got out of a relationship that was going for a year and a half. Within that relationship we only ever had sex 3 times. Now I’m trying to get anything or anyone I can. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I want sex but I also want to actually feel something. But anyone I feel something with just leaves.

#depression   #lonelyness  

I can't tell if I'm a masochist because I like the pain in a sexual way or because I think I deserve it for being a horrible person in my own head. There is this guy I like and we have had sex a couple times, he's really awesome and super attractive, which makes me feel like I don't deserve him.

Whenever we get into it he is always asking "Is this okay?" and says things like, "Let me know if this is too much." I tell him I'll let him know.... but I don't think I ever would and I think maybe he knows that, because he hasn't really done anything super intense. He has pulled my hair a couple of times, spanked me... bitten me lightly.... but he could get away with so much more. I would let him beat the shit out of me if he just promised to love me. He wouldn't even have to be faithful and I would probably still want him around. I just don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with someone who is unattractive either.

#depression   #love   #abuse   #masochism   #mental   #health   #lonelyness