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I can't tell if I'm a masochist because I like the pain in a sexual way or because I think I deserve it for being a horrible person in my own head. There is this guy I like and we have had sex a couple times, he's really awesome and super attractive, which makes me feel like I don't deserve him.
Whenever we get into it he is always asking "Is this okay?" and says things like, "Let me know if this is too much." I tell him I'll let him know.... but I don't think I ever would and I think maybe he knows that, because he hasn't really done anything super intense. He has pulled my hair a couple of times, spanked me... bitten me lightly.... but he could get away with so much more. I would let him beat the shit out of me if he just promised to love me. He wouldn't even have to be faithful and I would probably still want him around. I just don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with someone who is unattractive either.
Would love to control my desires and sinful desires so I can focus on work and newly married life. I'm working on it through sinful meditations. These thoughts are sins. Forgive me lord
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I really am fascinated by blood, is that weird? Sometimes I bite the base of my tongue and press until I taste blood. I’m not saying I love the taste of blood, because I don’t. This is just a repetitive habit, and other times I have liked the feeling when I pierce my thumb with the edge of a steak knife and the blood just drips and drips. Am I too dark? Is this too bad?
Then last week I made a mild slit on my nigh wrist since the knife was incredibly blunt, and I actually really like the way those scars look. And it didn’t hurt at all. I don’t know what I am.
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