#are

Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#cat #church #city-of-lost-souls #humor #pretence

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. ↗

— George Carlin

#kids #parenting #role-models #humor

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #motherhood #parenthood #parenting #humor

My parents are going to kill me!" "That seems rather harsh... ↗

— Garth Nix

#humor #paranoia #parents #humor

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cigarette #fog #funny #humor #inhale

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information....my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen, and under the classic caveat of 'loving each other very, very much,' explained that when a man and a woman hug tightly, the man plants a seed in the woman. The seed grows into a baby. Then she sent me to the pantry to get placemats. As a direct result of this conversation, I wouldn't hug my father for two months. ↗

— Sloane Crosley

#parents #sex #humor

Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help. If you have not, then believe you me, it can scare the bejeezus out of you. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#scared #humor

There’s no winning arguments with your parents, so why get all pumped up over them? It is way better to dive down and get out of the way than it is to get clobbered by some parental tidal wave. ↗

— Wendelin Van Draanen

#parents #humor

Aw, kiss him, Gwen, clamored a hundred perky eggs. Shut up, she rebuked. We don't even know him, and until moments ago we thought he was dead. That's no way to start a relationship. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#eggs #gwen #humorous #karen-marie-moning #kiss

It will pass, it will all pass, we're going to be so happy! If our love could grow any stronger it would grow stronger because there is something horrifying in it, ↗

— Leo Tolstoy

#love