#bizarre

Custodianship must be mine. I would find Agatha and take my son into my arms, a wonder of childhood obesity, his mother’s form still a smile on his lips, no pale blue heart problems, no nursery rhymes. The rhythm of the feet would be enough for him. We would mop floors together, sweep. He would hold the bucket and the dustpan while I taught him of the essentials of life. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny-and-random #parenting #funny

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be seen or heard from again. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

This is absolutely bizarre that we continue to subsidize highways beyond the gasoline tax, airlines, and we don't subsidize, we don't want to subsidize a national rail system that has environmental impact. ↗

— Joe Biden

#airlines #beyond #bizarre #continue #environmental

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#decorative #functional #funny #humor #random

I enjoyed having a reputation as being wild, but these days I try not to worry about what people think in the privacy of their own brain or what they write in the bizarre publicity of their own newspapers, because all of those things are meaningless. ↗

— Russell Brand

#because #being #bizarre #brain #days

I think 'On The Air' was a little too bizarre for TV. ↗

— Miguel Ferrer

#bizarre #i #i think #little #think

Croquet is tough. People play for months because the rules are so bizarre. Those crazy English. ↗

— Jane Kaczmarek

#bizarre #crazy #english #months #people

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#celebrity #fame #funny #humor #letter

It's so bizarre, I'm not scared of snakes or spiders. But I'm scared of butterflies. There is something eerie about them. Something weird! ↗

— Nicole Kidman

#bizarre #butterflies #eerie #i #scared

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work, but two different paths. Who knows, I might find love on one path. Probably the path I don’t choose. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #love #odd