#cal

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor #magical-thinking #humor

When your child comes home to talk about life, what could be more important? ↗

— Destin Bays

#historical-romance #love-story #romance-novels #home

In the molten fire where he lay he could watch the slow machinations of eternity, the cosmic miracle of each second being born, eggshaped, silverplated, phallic, time thrusting itself gleaming through the worn and worthless husk of the microsecond previous, halting, beginning to show the slow and infinitesimal accreations of decay in the clocking away of life in a mechanism encoded at the moment of conception, withering, shunted aside by time's next orgasmic thrust, and all to the beating of some galactic heart, to voices, a madman's mutterings from a snare in the web of the world. ↗

— William Gay

#poetic #southern-gothic #home

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#isolationism #political-philosophy #politics #humor

As an instrument for practical action, law is responsive to the wisdom of its time, which may be wrong, but it carries forward, sometimes in opposition to this wisdom or passion, a memory of received values. ↗

— Edward Levi

#carries #forward #instrument #law #may

There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it form him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely." "Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #medical #paranormal #romance #vampires

Alice is fictional. This isn't. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#dark-humor #group-think #groupthink #lady-gaga #mad-magazine

Always behave like a duck- keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like the devil underneath. ↗

— Jacob M. Braude

#composure #humor #humor

Miss Edmonton: I don't even know where to start. It's too horrifying to even speak of. Jenny: Nonsense. Let's start with the basics. What did your aunt tell you? Miss Edmonton: My aunt said that my husband will come into my room and pull my skirt up. And then he'll put himself inside of me. She said it hurts. She suggested I hold my tongue and pretend I am somewhere else until he is done. Jenny: Yes. I should think it would hurt if you did it that way. Good heavens. ↗

— Courtney Milan

#humor #sex-ed #humor

You might as well laugh at yourself, everyone else is. ↗

— B.J. Neblett

#irony #laughter #sarcasm #satirical #humor