#col

Not dead-dying. Funny how two things could be so similar and yet so far apart ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#funny

If London is a watercolor, New York is an oil painting. ↗

— Peter Shaffer

#new #new york #oil #painting #watercolor

He told me his last name was Green. “Green?” I asked. “Can you spell that for me? I’m colorblind. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #green #funny

Holly's forgiven you?" "Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly badge," he said, puffing out his chest. "Sick? You told me she was fully immortal." "Yeah, but she still throws up some, because, well, the thing of it is... Ah, fuck, Rydstrom, I knocked her up." "You're going to be a father?" Gods help the world. I'm going to be an uncle? "I got Holly, like, on the first shot. Nix is calling me Bull's-eye and the Womb Raider. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny #holly-s-pregnancy #kresley-cole #rydstrom #funny

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. ↗

— Johnny Carson

#entertainment #funny #hollywood #humor #insanity

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family. ↗

— Jim Benton

#building #coloring #funny #purple #family

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :) ↗

— Pablo

#funny #funny

Speaking of… does this mean you get your phone back?” I shrug. “I don’t really want that phone back. I’m hoping my whipped boyfriend will get me an iPhone for Christmas. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#dean-holder #funny #hopeless #iphone #sky-and-dean

Agatha was so tight-fisted she could squeeze a penny and strangle Abe Lincoln. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#frugal #funny #funny

Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#kresley-cole #nix-the-ever-knowing #funny