#d | Page 439 of 278722

I shall claim full amends for every fall and stubbed toe, if you do not lead us well. ↗

And-he was ashamed to admit--he had been known to carry off the occasional roll of duct tape. That stuff could be used for everything. ↗

— Sharon Ashwood

#paranormal-romance #sharon-ashwood #the-dark-forgotten #unchained #humor

When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: "She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humorous #humor

This was our last night. We only had one curtain call, Bree. And I thought they were going to give us a standing ovation, but no-o-o-. Do you know why half the audience stood up?" "To get a head start on the traffic," Bree said. "To get a head start on the traffic," Antonia agreed in indignation. "I mean, here we are, dancing and singing our little guts out, and all those folks want to do is get to bed early. I ask you, whatever happened to common courtesy? Whatever happened to decent manners? Doesn't anyone care about craft anymore? And on top of that, it's not even nice. ↗

— Mary Stanton

#disappointment #expectations #humor #performance #play

Pizza is like the entire food pyramid! ↗

— Madeline Oles

#humor #pizza #food

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. It was the future, and everything sucked. ↗

— Greg Nagan

#first-sentence #first-words #humor #opening-lines #parody

He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something. ↗

— Sue Monk Kidd

#god #humor #humor

Don't be bashful; we're among gentlemen. It's a known fact that we men are the missing link between the pirate and the pig. ↗