#de

Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.
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— Jarod Kintz

#drink #drinking #entrepreneur #entrepreneurship #funny

They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#florida #funny #hear #spanish #talking

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it. ↗

— Francine Pascal

#cool #ed-fargo #fearless #funny #death

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alexander-the-great #bizarre #caesar #conquer #funny

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #high-definition #humor #original #webster-s

I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #love #mba #funny

Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. “Narcissus is a loser! He’s so weak, he can’t bench-press a Kleenex. He’s so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it’s got a picture of Narcissus—only the picture’s so ugly, no one ever checks it out. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#leo-valdez #funny

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #land-holder #real-estate #funny

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#attempted-murder #authorities #choke #choking #crime

She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.” “Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #medicine #rose #funny