#ed

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#indentured-servant #love #slave #funny

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#dumbledore #funny #the-philosopher-s-stone #funny

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#embarrassing #fall #funny #humor #leaves

Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drink #drinking #entrepreneur #entrepreneurship #funny

The best birthday present I ever got from my grandpa was a skinny black tie. It didn’t come in a bag, a box, or even rolled up in tissue paper. It came wrapped in wisdom. As soon as he gave it to me he said, “A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#blindfold #funny #kidnapped #wisdom #funny

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it. ↗

— Francine Pascal

#cool #ed-fargo #fearless #funny #death

I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #lust #mirrors #naked

If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#girlfriends #knees #replaced #run-around #witty

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun? ↗

— P.C. Cast

#funny #humor #marked #funny

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#attempted-murder #authorities #choke #choking #crime