#fun

I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #sex #change

I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#coil #danger #dangerous #drink #drinking

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #ketchup #leftovers #life

Dear lord, the flash of his gleaming white teeth was like a hot button to my nether regions. Down vagina! Down, girl.” Bad Rep by A. Meredith Walters ↗

— A. Meredith Walters

#funny

His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy. ↗

— C.C. Hunter

#funny #funny

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith. ↗

— Leslie Nielsen

#funny #humor #locksmith #funny

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #paradox #funny

Wendy, Wendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars. ↗

— J.M. Barrie

#funny

Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #illegality #funny