#funny

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #sex #funny

I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#burn #drown #funny #heretic #ugly

I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#letter-b #literacy #world #funny

I made a nap this afternoon. I made it out of two pillows, a bed, a sheet, a blanket, and exhaustion. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #sleep #funny

The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs. ↗

— Maureen Johnson

#the-key-to-the-golden-firebird #funny

A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #sex-toy #funny

Vic knelt by Lucas's side. "You look like crap, by the way." "Thanks for breaking it to me gently." Lucas took a deep breath, then groaned. ↗

— Claudia Gray

#funny

If anything attacked us, we could just panic at it until it went away. ↗

— Seanan McGuire

#funny #ironic #rosemary-and-rue #seanan-mcguire #funny

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fear #funny #palindromes #funny

Don't look now, but that's my ex over there." Surely I'm not the only one who takes "don't look now" as "there's no better time than now." I looked. "Bad, Ali!" Another slap to my arm. "Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control? ↗

— Gena Showalter

#ex #funny #rabbit #funny