#funny

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal. ↗

— Fanny Merkin

#humor #funny

If death petrifies you, do something to ensure your likeness will survive in more than just photographs. Drown yourself in a swamp. ↗

— Bauvard

#fossils #funny #humor #death

I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #change

Though I normally approve of plain speaking, as you know, I would suggest that as part of your good behavior, you refer to the king as 'his grace' or even simply 'the king' instead of 'that creature,' by the way. ↗

— Susan Higginbotham

#master-catesby #the-stolen-crown #change

Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then . . . he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. ↗

— Tara Gilesbie

#funny #my-immortal #art

Depression is not dramatic, but it is total. It’s sneaky - you almost don’t notice it at first. Like a cat burglar, it comes in through an open window while you’re sleeping. It takes little things at first; your appetite, your desire to return phone calls. Then it comes back for the big stuff, like your will to live. Then next thing you know, your legs are filled with sand. The thought of brushing your teeth fills you with dread, it seems like such an impossible task. Suddenly you’re living your life in black and white – nothing is bright, nothing is pretty anymore. Music sounds tinny and distant. Things you found funny seem dull and off-key. ↗

— Lisa Unger

#psychological #suspense #funny

There was talk of the Centaur being moved into the elephant cages to make room for a banjo-picking Minotaur. Surrendering his meager furnishings to a musical half man half bull was all bull. ↗

— Don Roff

#centaur #funny #minotaurs #music

As he grinned, a dimple formed on his right cheek. My heart quivered. Men like him should come with a warning: date at your own risk ↗

— Jayde Scott

#dating

You talk more when you're nervous," he said, still standing close to her. "No i don't. That's absurd. I'm just trying to explain to you-" "Do i make you nervous?" "No. I'm not nervous." "You're trembling." "I'm cold. I'm wearing practically zero clothes." His glance went to her lips, then back to her eyes. "I noticed. ↗

— Michele Jaffe

#funny #nervous #dating

I'm going to put the moves on her,' he says gravely. 'Things might get weird.' He says it like a commando setting up a midnight raid. Like: Sure, this is going to be extraordinarily dangerous, but don't worry. I've done it before. ↗

— Robin Sloan

#funny #nerds #dating