#funny

A pair of bricks, when affixed to the bottom of a lady’s shoes, makes an affordable and utilitarian set of platform shoes. That’s the sort of platform that I’d like to run for political office on.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used as a cape. But why would I do that? I’m trying to keep my super powers secret, and a cape’s like a cloth billboard advertising to all the people that need help that I’m the man to assist them—and even worse is that fact that a cape confirms—conforms, really—to the notion that I’m willing to perform miracles for free. And that’s simply not the case. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used as a dialogue filter, a speaking partition, with the blanket hanging on a clothes line and two people engaged in conversation—one on each side of the blanket. The blanket will serve as a method of purification and a way to make the words more fluid. When you’re trying to talk through a blanket, you’re going to choose words that are precise, piercing, and clearly enunciated. Also, having a blanket block the view of the person you’re conversing with will eliminate body language, forcing you to crystallize your sentences into strings of diamonds. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Bricks could be used to make shoes out of. Just as brick houses are better than wooden houses, so too would brick shoes be better than wooden shoes. Just ask the Dutch. I’m sure they’d be lining up to buy my new line of brick running shoes. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I’ve been thinking about that proof I spoke of last time – that you’re where you’re supposed to be. And it occurred to me, can you prove you’d be better off somewhere else? If you’d have left the state, your relationship would have ended still. Maybe you’d have even blamed yourself, not knowing that it was doomed because of him, either way. Instead, you’re here. You got dumped, skipped class, and met the best econ tutor at the university! Who knows, maybe I’ll make you fall in love with economics. ↗

— Tammara Webber

#funny #life #love #love-story #funny

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones? ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#embarrassing #funny #funny

Didn't you finish your chemistry in school?" "You closed the school and burnt all the books." "Ah, so I did. ↗

— Patrick Ness

#funny #monsters-of-men #funny

Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most of it. Now that was an interesting thought. Heh. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #ilona-andrews #kaldar #the-edge #tongue

Look, if I were straight, you'd be grandparents before your time. You should be relieved that I'm gay. Aren't you grateful? ↗

— Hayden Thorne

#gay #young-adult #funny

A forest," William said, his expression distant. "Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers." "Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?" "No." "She doesn't like poetry?" "Leave it." Hehe. "Oh, so you have a lady. How interes-- ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#cerise #funny #ilona-andrews #the-edge #william