#funny

When one's unconscious is full of vice, nothing realizes inner potential like hypocrisy. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #hypocrisy #potential #self-actualization #vice

WHAT A CONCUBINE SHOULD NEVER SAY: You wanna swing? Fine! See that tree branch? The one with the rope... ↗

— Robin Glasser

#funny #swing #funny

А вот на подходе уже, если хотите знать, дяденьки, специальные пишущие машинки, пока еще только для нас, прозаиков. На этих машинках установлены электронные цензурные ограничители. Представляете? Печатаешь ты двумя пальцами «жопа», а на бумаге выходит: «окорока», «пятая точка», «афедрон» и уж в самом крайнем случае «ж» с тремя точками. ↗

— Arkady Strugatsky

#funny #funny

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #cats #curls #dance #dancing

You look like a hot tamale.” “That’s not really a compliment. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

Good cheaters always have honest intentions towards each other. It is what makes a fair advantage possible. ↗

— Bauvard

#fairness #funny #humor #funny

Peaches found herself wondering if Mary, a tiny brunette with an unprepossessing manner and less than ‘stellar’ work ethics, had to play Where’s Waldo to find Steve’s dick beneath his gigantic waistline. ↗

— A.T. Hicks

#funny #outrageous-behavior #penis-size #funny

The big male gestured to a chair in the corner. "Mind if I sit?" She nodded her acquiescence. "Go right ahead. That chair has seen more tail than a rock star lately. ↗

— Elisabeth Staab

#funny-humor #siddoh #funny

One must binge constantly to remain self-employed. To sober up would result in getting fired for over-efficiency. ↗

— Bauvard

#binging #employment #funny #humor #sobriety

My marriage is crumbling and this hat is all I have left in the world - aside from my brilliant wit, my dastardly good looks, and my charming accent. ↗

— Bauvard

#hats #humor #marriage #funny