#funny

No punching?" he asked. "No." "No kicking?" "No." "How about arm wrestling?" "No. And before you ask, we've avoided Slug Bug, Slap Bets, and any and all Dance-Offs." Fate Succumbs ↗

— Tammy Blackwell

#funny

You ‘accidentally’ touched his bottom? Didn’t that happen when you last saw him as well? Surprising how often that seems to be a problem. ↗

— Twisted Hilarity

#funny

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods, naked, with extra pepperoni covering his nipples. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#naked #pizza #funny

I'm still a nobody, when am I not going to be a nobody? ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#questions-in-life #struggles #funny

Cooking without wine is like sex alone. You may get the job done, but you don't really care once it's over. ↗

— Andrew Grey

#funny #sex #funny

What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. ↗

— Stephen King

#funny #humourous #funny

I'm never wrong, except when I'm wrong. ↗

— Ben D.

#funny

You're kidding, right?" Ezra barked. "We're not just going to wait." "I suppose we could help people clean up a bit," "Girl!" Ezra called out. "Big eyes!" Winter turned from what she was looking at. "Are you talking to me? ↗

— Obert Skye

#funny

I like mountains, always have done. Big obstinate bits of rock sticking up where they're not wanted and getting in folk's way. Great. Climbing them is a different matter altogether though. I hate that. ↗

— Mark Lawrence

#funny #humour #mountains #funny

Dude,” I said low. “All cornfields are haunted. Trust me. I know.” Then I came up on my elbows so I was closer to him and I said quietly, “They whisper to you.” ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#funny