#funny

I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #funny #humor #lambada #magnus-bane

How long have you been standing there?" "Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger." "He deserved it. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#daemon #funny #katy #funny

Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies. ↗

— Claudia Gray

#self-knowledge #temptation #funny

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. ↗

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

#humor #men #relationships #funny

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#nipple #simile #truth #funny

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bicycle #breakfast #exercise #funny #humor

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#obesity #funny

It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out. ↗

— C.S. Lewis

#funny

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#sookie-eric #funny

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they? ↗