#funny

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#attempted-murder #authorities #choke #choking #crime

Breckin shrugs. “I’m new here. And if you haven’t deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it’s safe to say that I’m…” he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. “Mormon,” he whispers. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#funny #gay #mormon #teenager #funny

Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.” A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach. “Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me? ↗

— Kiersten White

#funny-humor #hard-to-get #funny

Okay... My name is Ellie Mason and I have a feeling you don't like me." Kylie stopped and swerved around... "Okay, let's get something out in the open. I know you had sex with Derek." "Damn!" Perry said, and grinned. "This is gonna be better than I thought. ↗

— C.C. Hunter

#funny #kylie #perry #funny

You named the chicken, Chicken?" She looked embarrassed. "When we decided not to kill it, I got attached. ↗

— Tracey Garvis-Graves

#sweet #funny

I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?” Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?” I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?” “Braden’s. ↗

— Samantha Young

#funny

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#crap #family #feces #funny #humor

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#evil #family #funny #humor #monster

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #food

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #food