#funny

What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and world destruction? ↗

— James Patterson

#maximum-ride #funny

Awwww, lame, we're not going to disneyworld. (said by the amazing talking dog, Total) ↗

— James Patterson

#funny

It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #surreal #time #funny

He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#funny #laurell-k-hamilton #richard #funny

Funny, gorgeous, and a genius. What a package." He backed out of the parking space, smiling as he drove away. I loved that he left crazy off the list. I loved it even more that he would never think to add it. ↗

— Myra McEntire

#hourglass #michael-weaver #funny

You are hard at work madam ," said the man near her. Yes," Answered Madam Defarge ; " I have a good deal to do." What do you make, Madam ?" Many things." For instance ---" For instance," returned Madam Defarge , composedly , Shrouds." The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive . ↗

— Charles Dickens

#france #funny #humor #mob #revolution

I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking, unless it’s a man and a giraffe. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#disgusting #funny #marriage #funny

In high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Try to Impregnate an Omelet.” Even though I made up the category, and was the only one who voted, that still didn’t stop me from getting kicked out of Denny’s one morning trying to live up to my title. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny

I'm going to take a wild guess here and say the hard-on you've been sporting all afternoon is not on account of Mr. Nicholson continually bending over to pick up the golf balls, right?" "For fuck's sake, Dad!" James cursed, looking horrified at his father, who just shrugged his shoulders at his son's shocked expression. "Whaaat? Just making sure," he added, hardly hiding his amusement. ↗

— Elle Aycart

#raises-eyebrows #funny

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#funny #horses #water #funny