#funny

I don't like cruel jokes - I've worn myself out laughing at the world. It has made me too self-deprecating to laugh at myself. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #laughter #self-deprecation #funny

Why do I always have to remind you to look to where the danger waits, Warrior. Sheesh, what would you do without me? “Uh, not be a murderous psycho?” Very funny. ↗

— H.D. Gordon

#alexa-montgomery-saga #blood-warrior #monster #remption #funny

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can't sweat the fact that you've lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float up like surreal Mylar party balloons at unexpected times throughout the net day and start piecing together a colorful, if incomplete, version of reality. ↗

— Josh Kilmer-Purcell

#alcoholism #blackout #drugs #funny #humor

You're (I'm) not weird, you're (I'm) just not preticularily normal. ↗

— Ben van Waterschoot

#wierd #funny

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

What's with the super soaker?" -Stephine "I had a stork of genius when you called me this morning I said what do I have to do to protect myself from the vampire? And the answer that came to me was holy water! I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner." -Lula "You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?" -Stephine "Yeah I sucked it out of the church. You know that birdbath thing they got right up front?" -Lula "THe baptismal font?" -Stephine "That's it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking." -Lula "Brilliant." -Stephine ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#funny

I’ve been using the same razor since Occam (William of Ockham) shaved off his beard of excessive assumption. My morning routine is always the same. I wake up, brush my teeth, shower, shave, then I put on my goat costume and go flirt with the shepherd girl who lives in the mountains not far from my cave. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#flirt #flirtation #funny #occam-s-razor #routine

This doesn't mean you're getting a discount." Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then." Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!" Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #gnome #ilona-andrews #the-edge

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under. ↗

— Amy Summers

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #finance #funny

Blankets on the other hand are incredibly needy as they are always trying to fill a “void”. Are a bit whorish in that the instant you walk away from them in less than a minute they’ll be all over someone else, and the moment you actually need them they’re nowhere to be found. ↗

— Nicole McKay

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny #humor