#funny

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny. ↗

— Bauvard

#love #mothers #retirement #funny

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here? ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#mystery #stephanie-plum #funny

Setting out around midnight, I couldn't help shaking my head, "We're the goddamned hottest vampire hunters ever." I muttered. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#father #funny #humor #introduce #introduction

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born. ↗

— Dakota Dawn

#funny #humor #truth #wisdom #family

Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I'm pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #parenting #funny

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #success #funny

Four lips, two mouths, one kiss, ½ of love (Agatha wasn’t into me, apparently). My mouth does nothing but long to kiss Agatha, and my penis would long if only it weren’t so short. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#kiss #love #funny

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #money #uncle #funny

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #listening #myself #selfish