#funny

It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#singing #funny

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #money #odd

Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . . .” “And from now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell die, Ron, die — I’m just chucking them in the bin where they belong. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#funny #harry-potter #o-w-l-s #ron-weasley #funny

Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!" The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise. ↗

— Patrick Ness

#funny #humor #monster #sarcasm #funny

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again? ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #hygiene #funny

I want to buy you a pair of YAP, or Yellow Admiration Pants (they have no crotch), and have you talk dirty to me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#silly #yellow #funny

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works. ↗

— Sherman Alexie

#food

I've taken care of it," I said My father looked at me, shocked. Then I realized "taken care of" had a very specific meaning in his line of work. "No, no, I mean he's gone. ↗

— Gordon Korman

#funny

My mother was an angel," I blurted. "A guardian angel." Kaidan began to chuckle. "What's so funny?" I asked. "You. You're a walking contradiction. Horns and a halo. I don't belive it. ↗

— Wendy Higgins

#kaidan-and-anna #funny

Does it get heavy?" "Does what get heavy?" "That big head you lug around 24/7, 365." Sally patted Jen on the back. "It just seems like maybe your neck or back would begin to hurt at some point." "Wow, Sally. I'm impressed you aren't just going for a psychology degree! Right now you seem to be running for mayor of 'I think I'm funny' town. ↗

— Quinn Loftis

#funny