#funny

Pritkin muttered something that sounded fairly vicious. “My clothes are warded! Even if I wished to accede to your demand, it would not work on them.” “Then strip.” “I beg your pardon?” He sounded almost polite suddenly, as if he believed he couldn’t possibly have heard right. ↗

— Karen Chance

#funny #pritkin #funny

I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what year is it? I’ve been asleep since the 80s. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny

How did you get in?" "I move in mysterious ways." "God moves in mysterious ways. You move like lightning - here one moment, gone the next. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#funny #hush-hush #mysterious-ways #nora-and-patch #nora-grey

You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. “They really know their stuff. . . .” “Oh, they only know flashy stuff that’s no real use to anyone,” said Hermione disparagingly. “No real use?” said Ron in a strained voice. “Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . . ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#funny #george-weasley #useless-talents #funny

He patted my shoulder. "What's up with you? All of a sudden, you're bucking the system." "i got drunk and had an epiphany." "Shit, this is serious!" He gasped. "Last time that happened to me, i woke up gay. ↗

— J.C. Isabella

#funny #funny

Scott Waldron.' 'What?' Robbie's lip curled in a glimace of disgust. 'The jockstrap? Why, does he need you to teach him how to read?' I scowled at him. 'Just because he's captain of the football team doesn't mean you can be a jerk. Or are you jealous?' 'Oh, of course, that's it,' Robbie said with a sneer. 'I've always wanted the IQ of a rock. No, wait. That would be an insult to the rock... ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#funny

The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don't think he will. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dating

Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#funny

I try not to laugh at the fact that even when she’s drunk, she has a hard time saying it. “Where do you want me to take you?” She drops her head back against my chest. “You can just keep carrying me. It’s very relaxing. ↗

— Jessica Sorensen

#funny #jessica-sorensen #kayden-and-callie #funny

Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang. ↗

— Natalia Kills

#bitch #funny #funny