#funny

I had a dream about you. We made love like mannequins, and afterwards we laid in bed, exhausted and extinguished, which was indistinguishable from our insatiable sexual congress—and also identical to the way Congress goes about fucking us.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

The proudest confessions are always barely legal. The fondest memories are always underage. The most innocent experiences are always infantile. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #illegality #memory #pedophilia #experience

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. ↗

— John Callahan

#humor #sex #simile #funny

Isn’t it funny to think that this magnificent piece of matter is in a state of decay? Really, can you think of any other living thing that looks this glorious as it’s dying? ↗

— Tiffanie DeBartolo

#funny

You cannot control faeries. Can. Not. They aren't logical or rational. They don't obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic - you name it) that we do. ↗

— Kiersten White

#laws #funny

What?" I said, suspicion starting to rise in me. "When did they start coming after you?" "Was it— was it after the oil-slick Hummer crash?" the Gasman asked Iggy tentatively. My eyes widened. Oil-slick Hummer crash? Iggy rubbed his chin, thinking. "Or maybe it was more— after the bomb," the Gasman said in a low voice, looking down. "I think it was the bomb," Iggy agreed. "That definitely seemed to tick them off. ↗

— James Patterson

#gazzy #humor #iggy #maximum-ride #the-gasman

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode. ↗

— Don Roff

#editing #efficiency #funny #humor #panic

A brick could create a clear winner in a fight if instead of fighting pillows against blankets, you fought bricks against blankets. ↗

— Amy Summers

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny #humor

What are you boys doing?” she asks, as if we’re still little kids messing around. “Arguin’,” Carlos says matter-of-factly. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne ↗

— Dan Ariely

#funny