#funny

I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where I'm from. I wouldn't move back there, but it's funny when you spend a bit of time in the place where you were brought up. You kind of realize how that place has had quite a big effect on you or made you a certain way. ↗

— Jarvis Cocker

#big #bit #brought #certain #certain way

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dead #fish #funny #humor #prostitutes

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cents #discount #dollar #drag-queen #drag-queens

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #dog #dogs #funny #girlfriend

Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?” “In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #funny #grave #halfway #funny

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#boob #costume #funny #humor #idiot

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ↗

— William Faulkner

#harsh #ironic #funny

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fight #fight-quotes #fighting #fighting-quote #fighting-quotes

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. ↗

— Johnny Depp

#funny #silence #talking #funny

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ask #fact #factor #fall-in-love #funny