#funny

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#delusional #funny #funny

I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #night-vision #wedgie #funny

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #joke #vindictive #funny

I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.” “Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.” “No, you’re not.” “Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#eve-rosser #funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass

Every movie I do, or when I'm on the sketch comedy show, I don't really get into it until I have an outfit or something funny with my head or face or something. ↗

— Kel Mitchell

#every #face #funny #get #head

The funny thing is that I'm the girl who no one sees at the beach. Ask anyone who's traveled with me. Normally, I'm in so many layers, I look like Lawrence of Arabia! ↗

— Vera Wang

#arabia #ask #beach #funny #funny thing

Who's they?" He wanted to know. "Who, specifically, do you think is trying to murder you?" "Every one of them," Yossarian told him. "Every one of whom?" "Every one of whom do you think?" "I haven't any idea." "Then how do you know they aren't?" "Because..." Clevinger sputtered, and turned speechless with frustration. Clevinger really thought he was right, but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drop bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all. ↗

— Joseph Heller

#murder #paranoia #funny

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. ↗

— Alanis Morissette

#just #love #love you #perfect #way

So what I do now is to pre-empt that by making the up into a virtue, and telling funny stories about how crap I am before people have a chance to notice it for themselves and think maybe I haven't realised. ↗

— Emily Mortimer

#am #before #chance #crap #funny

Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement. ↗

— Olivia Munn

#hires #jon #jon stewart #only #people