#funny

I was once honest with myself, on April Fool's day. I thought it would be the best practical joke ever, but I realized I'd already been the butt of an even bigger one. My birth. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #honesty #humor #practical-jokes #funny

Now all I have to worry about is what might crawl out of the darkness to get me in the night.” “Yeah, well, I think there’s a box of doughnuts under the chair. You can toss those to distract it. ↗

— Elle Parker

#funny-humor #seth #funny

Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cat #cats #clean #floor #funny

Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue! ↗

— Zathyn Priest

#humor #funny

Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture. Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her. ↗

— Annie Brewer

#sarah #sarcasm #funny

But it's funny how the memory works and how sometimes we just belive whatever we want. ↗

— Chris Bohjalian

#reality #funny

An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #ilona-andrews #kaldar #raccoon #the-edge

Just shut up and talk. - Shella ↗

— Krista Alasti

#fantasy #funny #krista-alasti #shifters #taming-shadows

Gee-word?" "Gods. What were you doin' the day they handed out brains, boy, anyway?" "Someone was telling a story about stealing a tiger's balls, and I had to stop and find out how it ended. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#funny

He’s bound to have done something,” Nobby repeated. In this he was echoing the Patrician’s view of crime and punishment. If there was a crime, there should be punishment. If the specific criminal should be involved in the punishment process then this was a happy accident, but if not then any criminal would do, and since everyone was undoubtedly guilty of something, the net result was that, in general terms, justice was done. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#ethics #funny #justice #punishment #funny