#funny

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dog #funny #humor #kitten #funny

There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos. ↗

— Scott Douglas

#libraries #funny

Choices are funny things-ask a native tribe that's eaten grubs and roots forever if they're unhappy, and they'll shrug. But give them filet mignon and truffle sauce and then ask them to go back to living off the land, and they will always be thinking of that gourmet meal. If you don't know there's an alternative, you can't miss it. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#choices #funny

You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated." "I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for. ↗

— Derek Landy

#funny #humour #violated #funny

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life. ↗

— Bauvard

#freedom #funny #grammar #humor #terrorism

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I'm a pornithologist. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #ornithology #sexuality #funny

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes. ↗

— Bauvard

#gender #humor #men #prostitution #royalty

For shit’s sake, it wasn’t like there was a twelve-step for being the Scribe Virgin’s kid: Hi, I’m Vishous. I’m her son and I’ve been her son for three hundred years. HI, VISHOUS. She’s done a head job on me again, and I’m trying not to go to the Other Side and scream bloody murder at her. WE UNDERSTAND, VISHOUS. And on the bloody note, I’d like to dig up my father and kill him all over again, but I can’t. So I’m just going to try to keep my sister alive even though she’s paralyzed, and attempt to fight the urge to find some pain so I can deal with this Payne. YOU’RE A STRAIGHT-UP PUSSY, VISHOUS, BUT WE SUPPORT YOUR SORRY ASS. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#vicious #funny

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #gasoline #odd #waitress #funny

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn." "She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action." -Ranger and Stephanie ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#janet-evanovich #ranger #stephanie-plum #funny