#he

The nice thing about being an empty-headed pessimist is that that your glass is only half air. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #pessimism #funny

He didn't want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here ↗

— Jessica Verday

#funny #jessica-verday #the-hollow #funny

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cream-cheese #donkey #ice-sculpture #nonsensical #open

Yesterday, at the company party, I made a joke and everyone laughed and said, “Hey, now there’s the Jarod Kintz we all know and love.” and I smiled, but inside I thought, “Actually, the Jarod Kintz you know and love was my clone, who I had to murder because he kept eating all my leftovers. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clones #funny #humor #laughed #murder

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #stealing #theft #funny

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father's face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn't grow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mustache #spanish-moss #funny

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity. ↗

— Dakota Cassidy

#hearing #humor #insanity #richter-scale #funny

Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain....details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#funny

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out. I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time? ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #joke #kate #funny

Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own —” “That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#headmasters #principals #students #funny