#hum

It would be easier if they named jeans for celebrities so you'd know exactly what you were getting without even having to try them on. 'Mary-Kate' for itty-bitty jeans that come with a cartoonishly oversized caramel latte cup; 'Angelina Jolie' for jeans that are sold with two tiny Cambodian orphans stitched right into the back pockets; 'Katie Holmes', jeans which spell out 'help me!' in the fabric if you look very closesly; and 'Dina Lohan', self-promoting stage mom of Lindsay, for jeans that look OK from a distance, but when you get closer, are actually transparent. For men, there could be 'David Hasselhoff' jeans, made entirely of cheese, and 'John Mayer' jeans which, when removed, become instantly bored and walk themselves to to the house of next 'it' girl in Hollywood. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#humor #humor

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#sleeping-in #humor

You know, there are several gay men on the faculty. Professor Montag makes jelly beans look colorless(...) ↗

— Tara Lain

#gender-stereotypes #homosexuality #humorous #humor

Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see the blank stare? ↗

— Neil Leckman

#humor

Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!" Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer ↗

— Samuel L. Clemens

#humor #humor

I furrowed my brows at him. What was so amazing about a stick? I could pick one up outside on the way to the car. “Let me guess, you’re Harry Potter and this is the school of Hogwarts. If I say Lumos will it light up? ↗

— Brandi Salazar

#humor #lumos #magic #school #humor

This is a lovely party," said the Bursar to a chair, "I wish I was here. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#insanity #social #humor

And we'll call you...hmmm. Pudge." "Huh?" "Pudge," the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get some cigarettes and start this year off right. ↗

— John Green

#wise #humor

...but, dear me, let us be elegant or die. ↗

— Louisa May Alcott

#humor

At the other end of the room, Grandma had the lid up on Larry Lipinski. She was standing one foot on a folding chair, one foot on the edge of the casket, and she was taking pictures with a disposable camera. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor