#hum

If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #women #funny

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #mayor #populated #town #funny

The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #marathon #running #funny

I'm good at blowjob. ↗

— Lauren Baker

#erotic #finding-home #funny-humor #sex #funny

Darius held Stark back from launching himself at Neferet, and Duantia spoke quickly into the rising tension. 'Neferet, I think we can all agree that there are many unanswered questions about the tragedy that occured on our island today. Stark, we also understand the passion and rage you feel at the loss of your Priestess. it is a hard blow for a Warrior to-' Duantia's wisdom was cut off by the sound of Aretha Franklin belting out the chorus from "Respect," which was coming from the little Coach purse Aphrodite had slung over her shoulder. Oopsie, um, sorry 'bout that.' Aphrodite frantically unzipped her purse and dug for her iPhone. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#vampires #humor

Andrea: "....I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle.” Kate: “He isn’t a poodle. He’s a Doberman mix." Andrea: “Aha. Keep telling yourself that. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humor

Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name. “Does your mother call you Pigeon?” “No.” “Then to me you are Paul.” ... “Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read. “My mother never calls me Nathan.” “Is it Nate?” “She calls me Honeylips. ↗

— Brandon Mull

#names #nicknames #humor

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #kids #storm_front #humor