#hum

Now what happens?" asked the man in black. "We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone." "You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it? ↗

— William Goldman

#fistfight #humor #wit #humor

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#doomed-to-repeat-it #history #humor #paraphrased #humor

Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library. ↗

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

#humor

Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!" He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write. Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form? Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#frank-zhang #heroes-of-olympus #humor #mars #percy-jackson

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto ↗

— Scott Adams

#philosophy #humor

Sensitive," I tried. Sam translated: "Squishy." "Creative." "Dangerously emo." "Thoughtful." "Feng shui." I laughed so hard I snorted. "How do you get feng shui out of 'thoughtful'?" "You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful ways." Sam shrugged. "To make you calm. Zenlike. Or something. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it all works, besides the thoughtful part. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor #word-association #humor

And you're blind?" Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored. Were you born that way?" No." How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?" Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #maximum-ride #humor

Don't ever call me mad, Mycroft. I'm not mad. I'm just ... well, differently moraled, that's all. ↗

— Jasper Fforde

#evil #humor #political-correctness #humor

Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?" "Not really." Okay. "Is there any point asking what you're going to do to me?" He grinned wickedly. "Not really." Fabulous. "Does it involve the use of a safe word?" "That will depend entirely on you." Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. "I'll be gentle," Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me. I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're evil." In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. "And you're mine," he said, then walked away. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#humor #mara-dyer #noah-shaw #sexy #ya