#hum

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. ↗

— Mark Twain

#politics #humor

I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#humor

Never postpone until tomorrow what you can postpone until the day after. ↗

— Raoul Wallenberg

#procrastination #humor

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#women #freedom

Give me some sugar. ↗

— Rachel Gibson

#romance #humor

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you? ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

Stupidity is much the same all the world over ↗

— John Stuart Mill

#true-to-life #humor

I looked to the ceiling and told God, “God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#humor

Kyle is a werewolf?"asked Simon "Of course he's a werewolf,you moron"said Jace ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor