#hum

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#factory #funny #humor #kids #labor

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants. ↗

— Eddie Izzard

#money #restaurant #salmon #humor

The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: DID YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY AND HOW MESSED UP THAT WAS? TEXT ME BACK SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT! ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#humor

So I’m into men now, even though they can be frightening. I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying, non-Velcro-shoe-wearing man. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#mindy-kaling #humor

And I'll wash your other clothes. Shall I also order you a new set of leathers?" "Don't-" Wrath shut his mouth. "Sure. That'd be great. And, ah, could you get me some boxers? Black? XXL? ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor

Since Stark had come back from the Otherworld, he'd been too weak and out of it to do much more than eat, sleep, and play computer games with Seoras, which was actually a super weird sight, it was like high school meets Braveheart meets Call of Duty. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#humor

A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray. ↗

— Marcia Carrington

#habits #human-nature #humor #morning #humor

I'm glad you're still upright, Charles, and the only reason you are is because she didn't have any silver. She'd have staked you right and proper otherwise. She has a tendency to shrivel someone first and then introduce herself afterwards." "That's uncalled for!" I said, insulted at the suggestion that I was homicidal. "Right." Bones let that go. "Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I've been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I've said is... an understatement. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor #humor

�Don'�t worry."� Arriane stood next to Luce. �This place is like a reject revolving door. People come and go all the time because of some parole issue crazy parents whatever. Randy'�s off tonight. No one else gives a damn. If anyone gives you a second look� just give �em a third one. Or send them over to me.�" She made a fist. ↗

— Lauren Kate

#humor #swords-cross #humor

I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.” “You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.” That’s all I’m trying to say. ↗

— Brian Regan

#humor