#hum

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT ↗

— Darynda Jones

#family

In the future if my mother tries to shame me with her disapproval, I will let her know in no uncertain terms that I reject her and all of her codependent baggage. I am Codependent No More. ↗

— Susan Juby

#humor #family

All peoples and nations are of one family, the children of one Father, and should be to one another as brothers and sisters. ↗

— Bahá'u'lláh

#family

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#humor #death

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends. ↗

— Sylvia Plath

#humor #shared-ordeal #friendship

We get a lot of calls where the person is murdered at home, but is not found for a period of time. And so the animals have already started to take the body apart because they haven't been fed in that period. So your evidence is being chewed up by the family pet. I tell you - Dogs are more loyal than cats. Cats will wait only a certain period of time and they'll start chewing on you. Dogs will wait a day or two before they just can't take the starving anymore. So, keep that in mind when choosing a pet. You know how a cat just stares at you, maybe at the top of the TV, from across the room? That's because they're watching to see if you're gonna stop breathing. ↗

— Connie Fletcher

#crime-scene-investigation #dogs #evidence #humor #pets

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #family

When sudden deforestation and depopulation occur together, that’s how you know a time-traveling lumberjack has crossed paths with his family tree. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #lumberjacks #trees #family

Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry,” she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.” “If the bad man comes,” Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.” “We make a great team.” “Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,” he said. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humour #protection #death

Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations," said Ron, to general astonishment. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#ron-weasley #death