#hum

We may run into Kevin,” Lucy said gloomily. “She’s hoping to run into Kevin,” Zoë assured her. Justine smiled grimly. “Preferably with my car. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#friendships #humor #friendship

Can’t you do something for her?” his nephew finally asked, when several moments passed and her screaming and didn’t stop. “I already have. I didn’t kill her,” Lucian said dryly, then added, “Slow down. You’re as bad as taxi drivers.” “And you’re a backseat driver,” Thomas muttered, then cursed under his breath. “Surely there are some drugs or something we could give her to settle her down?” Lucian glanced at him with interest. “Do you have any?” Thomas blinked. “No.” “Hmm.” He sat back in his seat. “Neither do I.” Thomas stared for a moment, glanced back at the woman in the back of the car, then said, “Her screaming is rather loud, don’t you think? Just a bit distracting for those of us trying to concentrate.” “Yes, it is,” Lucian agreed, and reached into his pocket for his earplugs. He popped them into his ears and closed his eyes, the shrieking in the car considerably muffled. He’d have killed the woman before the plane had landed without the earplugs. They were a blessing. ↗

— Lynsay Sands

#humor

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president. ↗

— Bill Maher

#sarah-palin #humor

Words cannot express my disappointment that I must pass on the invitation to once again witness your gelatinous buttocks swaying as you try to climb a greased pole naked in search of athletic glory. Sadly, the last occasion on which I witnessed this event had a deleterious effect on my psyche for which I am still seeking the attention of a therapist. A.C. Kemp as Lady Arabella Snark ↗

— A.C. Kemp

#insult #snark #humor

She doesn’t know,” Cate said. “Kellen is a secret. I didn’t think my mother would approve.” “Why wouldn’t your mother approve?” Pugg asked. “It’s my job,” Kellen said. “I kill people. It pays well, but it’s not universally socially acceptable. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor #humor

What about volcanoes" "What about them" "All that lava comes up from center of the earth where it is all hot. I saw a program, it had David Attenborough, so it's true." Between Adam and the them. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor

I savour the idea of my new state: single and a millionaire. ↗

— Paulo Coelho

#humor

what red lips you have," he said in her ear. Did she dare say it? "All the better to kiss you with, my dear," she replied. And then their lips met. ↗

— Annette Curtis Klause

#humor

Writing a novel is like going a great distance to take a small shit. ↗

— Harlan Ellison

#writing #humor

I don’t want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into. ↗