#hum

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not? ↗

— K.A. Mitchell

#boyfriend #ever #funny #high #humor

What’s with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan.” “I suspect I am a hooligan. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

A blanket could be used to sell two-legged tables to one-legged men. This very same blanket could also teach them some Latin—specifically the phrase “Caveat Emptor.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Don’t try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you.” “I hate you, too. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

Everyone must work hard to imitate excellence. If we can’t afford a better house than our neighbors, we should at least afford a better spouse. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Writing metered verse is like working in drywall construction: stilted. Writing free verse is like having a heart attack: flat lining. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #poetry #funny

The test of someone’s authenticity is to wait until they think you’re not looking, then check the tag under their collar. ↗

— Bauvard

#fashion #funny #humor #funny

Nature abhors a vacuum. She is mostly made of dirt, after all. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #nature #void #funny

To behold something more than life, one must scoop out the eye of plausibility with a spoon. Join the born fakes of surrealism eating the cornflakes of cerealism. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #surrealism #funny