#hum

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#father #funny #humor #sacrifice #wise

Karl Marx: "Religion is the opiate of the masses." Carrie Fisher: "I did masses of opiates religiously. ↗

— Carrie Fisher

#addiction #alcoholism #celebrities #dysfunctional-families #fiction

I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#family

Hermes gazed up at the stars. "My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the Internet-" "You invented the Internet?" It was my idea, Martha said. Rats are delicious, George said. "It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the Internet, not the rats. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#george #hermes #humor #internet #martha

So you actually need spectacles,” Leo finally said. “Of course I do,” Marks said crossly. “Why would I wear spectacles if I didn’t need them?” “I thought they might be part of your disguise.” “My disguise?” “Yes, Marks, disguise. A noun describing a means of concealing someone’s identity. Often used by clowns and spies. And now apparently governesses. Good God, can anything be ordinary for my family? ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#humor #romance #family

Does mother know you’ve done your best for her? Half her genes are yours. But if you’re an average-sized family, her entire fortune might not be. ↗

— Bauvard

#genetics #humor #inheritence #motherly-love #family

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#religion #family

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think? ↗

— Steven Wright

#family

He was silent for a moment, staring out the window into the rain; I imagined he was contemplating the fact that his family's presence was turning the locals into giant dogs. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#family

Or -- and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it -- the book was true and reality was lying. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#reality #humor