#hum

I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe. ↗

You're...standing...in...my...KUMQUATS! ↗

I have a friend who got into a car accident and now has a prosthetic metal leg, metal pins in his hips, and a metal plate in his head. One time I told him that he was like a human Swiss Army knife, to which he replied, “I’m Belgian. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#car-accident #funny #humor #random #swiss

Bethany blinked. "Did you just hit me?" she asked, disbelief coloring her every feature. Skylar raised both hands, palms outward. "I come in peace!" "You do not come in peace. You hit me." "I hit in peace! ↗

— Jennifer Lynn Barnes

#humor

Not really a party until someone brings the surprise zombies. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#humor

Earth,” he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this lecture by heart. “Our home. She feeds us, she shelters us. Her gravity prevents us from flying off into space and freezing, before thawing out again and being crisped by the sun, none of which really matters, as we would have long since asphyxiated.” Artemis paused for laughter and was surprised when it did not arrive. “That was a little joke. I read in a presentation manual that a joke often serves to break the ice. And I actually worked icebreaking into the joke, so there were layers to my humor. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#facepalm-humor #humor

First rule of cleavage: it's not how low you go, but where and when you show. ↗

— Elisabeth Squires

#cleavage #elisabeth-dale #humor #style #women

She asked me why I always had something flip to say. I said that I didn't know, but having been blessed with the gift, I felt obliged to use it. ↗

— Robert Crais

#humor

It was time to break out the don't-fuck-with-me face. ↗

— Julie James

#humor

Writing is a dying form. One reads of this every day. ↗