#hum

You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.” “Yeah,” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #prefect #humor

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people— ↗

— Molly Harper

#humor #love #humor

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. ↗

— Steven Wright

#tourist #humor

I really hate threesomes when one of the participants is dead. ↗

— Jordan Castillo Price

#jordan-castillo-price #m-m-paranormal #victor-bayne #humor

While they were saying it couldn't be done, it was done. ↗

— Helen Keller

#life #humor

Help me out here, Jeremy," she said pleadingly. He gave her a look. "Why should I do that?" "Because once, nineteen years ago, you were wrong about him, too." Jeremy stared at her stoically. After a long pause, his face broke into a smile. "Aw, hell, you crazy kid, you knew I was gonna let you in—I'm a sucker for this stuff. ↗

— Julie James

#humor

Every gay man should be familiar with Bert and Ernie." "And why is that?" Reece rolled his eyes, smiling. "Everyone knows that they're lovers." Ben stopped what he was doing and looked at the man incredulously. "Okay, Reece, seriously, can you hear yourself?" "They are!" Reece said. "They live together, share a bedroom; I'm telling you the sexual tension is very palpable." Ben raised an eyebrow and said nothing. Reece cleared his throat. "You're going to break up with me now, aren't you? ↗

— L.A. Gilbert

#humor

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

This scene may disturb you, so you have to pay attention. ↗

— Zane

#humor

The man walked past me and stopped, observing the blood running down my neck. "Your injury. Let us tend to it." He looked out through the open doorway and silently gestured to someone out there. "Our world," he said, "is far more advanced than yours. For reasons you'll understand shortly." A thin, bony, naked woman entered the room, carrying two small, white kittens. She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left. "There," said the large man. "The kittens will make your sad go away. ↗

— David Wong

#kittens #sadness #humor