#hum

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to! ↗

— Al Franken

#humor #masturbation #sex #freedom

YOU have no room to laugh, that's all. I'm not doing any worse with Boovish than you did with English.' Get off of the car,' J.Lo huffed. 'I am an English superstar.' Uh-uh. There's no comparison. 'Gratuity' in written Boovish has seventeen different bubbles that all have to be the right size and in the right place. 'J.Lo' in written English only has three letters, and you still spelled it 'M-smiley face-pound sign. ↗

— Adam Rex

#humor

Goodness me, the clock has struck- Alackday, and fuck my luck. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#humor

No...I...I had this spicy Mexican food last night. It's only a bad case of heartburn. I don't need an exorcism. i need some Pepto-Bismo! ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#food

I live for a woman who scratches, just make sure to keep it on the back, baby, I dont like scars." ~Otto Carvalletti ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor

At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #humor

You wanna know how to make God laugh?" he said. "Tell him your plans." (God-shaped Hole) ↗

— Tiffany Debartolo

#tiffany-debartolo #humor

You want me to be all doom and gloom, or just shut up? ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#humor

Newspapers are even worse for me than ice cream; headlines, and the big issues that generate the headlines, are pure fat. ↗

— John Irving

#humor

C'mon kid. Think a minute, even if it hurts. ↗

— Robert Lynn Asprin

#humor