#hum

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind... ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#cocktails #drinks #humor #sex #humor

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#foaly #humor #humor

Cat's don't expect birthday presents, they think they already own everything. ↗

— Birthday card

#humor

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. ↗

— Steven Wright

#mind #venus #humor

Whew! You two are blowing hotter air than a tornado circlin’ a volcano in Hades. ↗

— Colleen Houck

#humor

No. Seriously. Speak American and not this ancient and very fucked-up, confusing olden-day Euro crap. Without the confusing woo-woo refrences, explain why the hell you're writing Zoey off. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#humor

Ash sighed. "Don't say anything, Goodfellow." "What? Me?" I grinned at him. "Say something? I'm not the type who would point out that, for once, this absurd situation isn't my fault. Of Course, I know better than to make deals with crazy Exile Queens with goddess complexes. And if I did, I would expect them to call in the favor at the worst possible time. But I'm certainly not one to rub it in. That would just be wrong." Ash pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm beginning to regret inviting you." "You wound me deeply Prince." --- Puck ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#humor

Yuki: "Honda-san... you'd better stop, or he'll get a swelled head." Kyo: "Doesn't Shigure already HAVE a swelled head? ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#humor

I don’t know. After the downstairs, I assumed something creepier and dirtier.” I shrugged. “You didn’t have electricity down there.” “It’s for dramatic effect.” Loki gestured widely. “It’s a dungeon. ↗

— Amanda Hocking

#humor