#hum

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them? ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#new-york-city #temptation #humor

During those times, they'd stand there watching me watching them. I'd pray, please. Put a pillow to my face. Clench a hand around my throat. Stab me. Shoot me. Put me out of everyone's misery. Why did you give birth to such a loser? Why didn't you admit I was hopeless and fat and stop trying to make me fit in? This world wasn't meant for me. I was born too soon or too late. Too defective. I wish I could tell my parents, "If you want to help me, help me die." I wonder, Are they required to fill out a 24-hour suicide watch form? Is the Defect at home? Check. Is It alive? Check. Why did they bother with the constructive surgery on my throat anyway? Waste of money. They threw away or hid from me everything with sharp edges or breakables. Picture frames. Pottery. Did they think they could suicide-proof this place? I want to tell them, "Chip, Kim, there is no way to suicide-proof a person ↗

— Julie Anne Peters

#fat #suicidal #suicide #suicide-watch #weight-death

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor #thanksgiving #humor

Israel was thinking of warm beer, and muffins, and Wensleydale cheese, and Wallace and Gromit, and the music of Elgar, and the Clash, and the Beatles, and Jarvis Cocker, and the white cliffs of Dover, and Big Bend, and the West End, and Stonehenge, and Alton Towers, and the Last Night of the Proms, and Glastonbury, and William Hogarth, and William Blake, and Just William, and Winston Churchill, and the North Circular Road, and Grodzinski's for coffee, and rubbish, and potholes, and a slice of Stilton and a pickled onion, and George Orwell. And Gloria, of course. He was almost home to Gloria. G-L-O-R-I-A. ↗

— Ian Sansom

#humor #home

This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart. ↗

— John Aubrey

#humour #home

You have reached the home and workplace of Roberto Natchez. I do not often take calls. I make no promise to return them. I have much to do. You may leave a message if you wish. ↗

— Laurence Shames

#key-west #home

Wajar bagi anak burung dan binatang lain diberi makan oleh ibu mereka, tapi raja dan ratu tampaknya tak pernah dewasa, mereka menuntut diberi makan oleh yang lain seumur hidup. Kemandirian adalah sesuatu yang tak pernah mereka lakukan atau pelajari ↗

— Samarpan

#inspirational #home

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent. ↗

— Steve Martin

#encouragement #humor #steve-martin #humor

Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun." ..."He's the Akron AWOL?! ↗

— Neal Shusterman

#humor

Mankind without Earth is Humanity without a Home ↗

— S.G. Rainbolt

#dear-sun-i-am-real #earth #humanity #science-fiction #home