#hum

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone. ↗

— Stephen Wright

#humor #funny

I wish my nose would blow me for once. ↗

— Brian Celio

#humor #funny

Put me down, I’m too heavy.” “You’re small enough to fit in my pocket. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#funny #humour #romance #funny

I’m a union man. When I apply for employment I add ‘and wife’ to my personhood status so I can qualify for benefits, like sexual harassment. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

Myth: drawing from history to prime students for learning it after it’s too late. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#history #humor #myth #funny

Other cars resent me because I’m the best driver on the road, but I won’t have to put up with their honks much longer – soon my swing will be good enough for the golf course. ↗

— Bauvard

#golf #humor #road-rage #funny

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #scam #truth #university

Fair is the progress of the slower sex, and the Ferris wheel provides a great opportunity for making it happen quickly. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #women #funny

I had a lot of ambition for love, but I decided it was time to stop being needy. Now that I'm lazy I've never been more successful. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #laziness #love #needy #success

If a person is mean to their family but polite to complete strangers, they shouldn’t go to extended family reunions – until they’ve mastered the diplomacy of sarcasm. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #family