#hum

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. ↗

— George Carlin

#funny-accidents #humor #star-trek #dreams

Certificates from top US universities adorned the walls like tiger head in a hunter’s home. ↗

— Chetan Bhagat

#humor

It's a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA. ↗

— Jorge Luis Borges

#united-states #ussr #united-states

Many people find bald, unvarnished truths so disturbing, they prefer to ram their heads in the sand and start dreaming at the first sign of scientific reality. ↗

— Charlie Brooker

#science #dreams

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. ↗

— Woody Allen

#humor #humor

If you fuck like your eyes do, your wife must be one delighted lady. ↗

— Poppet

#paranormal-urban-fantasy-romance #urban-fantasy

And you had to do that in a thunderstorm pissing down like a camel? ↗

— Poppet

#paranormal-urban-fantasy-romance #urban-fantasy

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal. ↗

— Fanny Merkin

#humor #funny

Bett didn't have any siblings because she said her father had preserved what was dead for too long to be able to create life. When Bet was younger and had begged for one, her father gave her a marmot he' stuffed for a man from Wyoming. "This is your brother Christopher," he'd said, placing the marmot on Bett's pillow one night. "He doesn't talk much, so you'll have to pick up the slack there. ↗

— Rebecca Rasmussen

#humor #siblings #family

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#revenge #vanity #women #humor