#hum

Who’d have thought your screwball brother could have gone so serial-killer fucktwat insane? ↗

— Larissa Ione

#humor

You learn to smile even in you liver?' 'Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver. ↗

— Elizabeth Gilbert

#humor

Please don't follow in my footsteps. I'm already knee-deep in them, and am sinking rapidly... ↗

— Tony James Slater

#humor-quotes #inspirational-humor #humor

the hand has programmable fingerprints, a vibration motor, data interface capabilities-” “Wait. A vibration motor in your hand? Why?” “I’m a man, and I’m alone on the planet. Figure it out. ↗

— Joseph Lallo

#humor

I have the body of an 18-year-old, but it's in the trunk of my car and it's starting to smell. ↗

— Kimberly Cheryl

#humor

Thank you sir," she said. "I hope that your friend feels better soon." I shrugged. "The ways of the Lord" I said, "are often dark, but never pleasant. ↗

— Robert B. Parker

#humor #religon #spenser #humor

Poetic simile was strictly limited to statements like 'his mighty steed was as fleet as the wind on a fairly calm day, say about Force Three,' and any loose talk about a beloved having a face that launched a thousand ships would have to be backed by evidence that the object of desire did indeed look like a bottle of champagne. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#music #humor

What is the secret of life?’ I asked. ‘I forget,’ said Sandra. ‘Protein,’ the bartender declared. ‘They found something out about protein.‘ ‘Yeah,’ said Sandra, ‘that’s it. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#satire #humor

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he's the hottest new ride at Disneyland. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#humor #love #sex #humor